in limbo

wild thoughts goin on my head right now. its 3 in the morning..

i hate this. i hate thinking this way. i hate feeling this way. its like i have thrown myself into this viscious cycle over and over again.

claire,,,u cannot control people. u cannot mandate how they feel. they wouldnt know if u get frustrated or hurt or depressed just seeing them a certain way. snap out of it please. tama na. u dont need this. bakit ba u keep finding stuff to torture yourself with? hay naku claire, dont do this to urself. can u just separate urself from other people's emotions? kahit na u care that much. that's the prob with you e. ur too nice. u help people carry emtional baggages. but to our expense honey. sometimes u get urself involved too much that ur the one who gets trampled in the end, with the other person unintentionally doing it. please let ur poor heart take a rest.

hay, but that's just the thing. wen u care for someone that much, getting involved just goes with it. kiko said having this "CLAIRE IS A RELIABLE FRIEND" beacon that attracts people is a gift, but sometimes i wonder if its also a curse. u dont how it feels to just stand there and watch people who mean a lot to you suffer and you cant do anything about it. scares the hell out of you pero its like youre watching through a veiwing glass, everythings transparent, you can hear whats goin on inside. but you're cut off from it.

heck, i dont need this right now. gonna get some sleep.

posted by: cleng at January 29, 2004 03:10 | link | comments (1) |

i think im starting to feel better na. hehe. kunwari. started the day right. my hair is behaving today. hehe long straight and shiny (think cream silk protect and palmolive naturals aromatherapy tea tree oil). tapos i get to go to the med chapel this morning...something i havent done for a really long time. felt really good. and for the first time...our pharmacolgy wasnt in the least bit stressful. the doctors were very nice, we didnt get to report (although i did make visuals-first time din), and there was no quiz after. things are definitely looking up. hehe. and christel let me decide where kami kakain lunch.

i cried last night. hehe no fred, dont get all worried. im ok. i got my cds back from donnie, those cheesy, baliwbaliwan songs: paolo santos, jimmy bondoc, nina, and another cd fit for wedding souveneirs. aargh. i had nothing to do e. cant talk sa phone- the phone is a trap toward sleeping late again, and the monkeys are bait. kaya yun. i was just sitting there in my bed-take note sitting not studying, singing my lungs out like an out of tune diva on a sentimental rampage. then i came across this song i never knew was on the track list. hehe. a mushy tagalog song with an offspin movie by sharon and aga. hehe. alam nyo un, kung ako nalang sana. mine was bituin escalante's version. i never really noticed the lyrics (try to find it). but out of nowhere tears started streaming down my face, in a very graceful, dramatic way ha. not the bawling my eyes out type. hay, i suddenly became sad. texted my monkeys for rescue.

i realize i will always have those moments. i cant control them. just have to bear with it. eventually it will die down. and i realized as i was praying kanina, that i would have to forgive myself for my mistakes. i think that is what keeps holding me back from healing. i could never forgive people who have hurt me without forgiving myself for letting them hurt me. i know i need a huge helping of God's grace to help me get though this, and i was telling Him kanina...to help me cover the wrongs with love. to not let myself grow bitter and find joy in other people's misery. sabi ko nga k fred db? i now live a better life. much better. i just have to get out of the ashes of a ugly end to a relationship and move on. yun nga lang i was asking myself, hanggang kailan? il never know, right? just have to hang in there and enjoy the lousy ride. hehe

i know that God, with all His love and concern for His neurotic daughter--->claire would not really allow this things to happen without a lesson to learn. God and i have stuck together many years now, and not once have i doubted His plan for me. if He wants me to let go of someone or something because its not doing me any good, He would forcibly do it. even if it meant dragging me by the hair and prying the thing out of my hands, leaving me bloody and in shock-that is, pag sobrang tigas na ng ulo ko. pero hindi ako pinapabayaan ni Lord, isnt that wonderful? and i know i will always have that. He will always bring me back and rescue me from my own stupidity. He loves me and that's more than i need to stay happy.

hehe so now i know things are gonna get better. i cant promise you guys that i wont get depressed anymore. or cry. because sooner or later something will come up again. but i know il b ok. alam ko i talk about nothing but this for the past months now. haha. matatapos din ito. just be patient. please. hehe

posted by: cleng at January 27, 2004 10:10 | link | comments |

a letter to fred, a.k.a froggie, mr. koko

hi. we never really talk do we? pero sabi ko nga k melo...malakas ang impact mo. hehe you're a man of few words, mabigat pag binitawan mo. hehe

thanks for texting me last night. i know i said that i wasnt going to worry about anything anymore...specially about a specific topic. pero minsan we cant help the way we feel, no matter how hard we stay composed. i know pag nagkikita tayo i seem perfectly normal, happy. i really am. honest. u guys make me happy sweetie, youve shown me the worth that i almost lost. kahit na makulit utak ko, iniintindi niyo ko (alam ko na ngayon kung bakit nagaaway kami ni sami about that). pero...

its not just about that certain person. its a whole lot of things that's been happening. my family, school. you're the most adult satin lahat. is this how it is? nakakastress.

i guess i just have to stay strong. someday not far from now, we'll sit around sa starbucks(libre mo ulit ako). you, me, sami, and melo. we will try to rationalize our lives again and see that things happen to bring out the best of us, and that friends makes life much, much more beautiful.

basta thanks ulit. for taking care of me. for being protective. for being there.

MY ULTIMATE SURVIVAL KIT: GOD, MY MOM, MY ANGELS, ICS

posted by: cleng at January 26, 2004 12:37 | link | comments |

hey. been a long time. wierd, so much has happened that i didnt have the energy to write all about it. in surfer slang, im totally wiped out. totally dude. one monkey of mine said that i look really bad..dark circles under my eyes. an exhausted look on my face. hay, its so hard to stay strong and brave these days. my sanity has been pushed to the edge. when friday came, i snapped.

maybe part of all this is my fault. at one point, i let my drown in all these things that are happening. tried to be this super person. maybe i didnt seek God more than i should. bad huh? my strength died out fast. i tried to keep things in order. but sometimes things are out of our control, and there's nothing more we can do than hold tighter to dear faith. might make you feel helpless, but God wants to burden Him with what burdens us.

so as of now, that's all i can do. to hang on to dear life and pray that the eye of the storm will come soon. just have to be matiisin a little longer. He will sustain me. jr are said my entries here are so sad. hmm...i hope i have something good to write about soon. hi angels. love you. hehe

posted by: cleng at January 25, 2004 14:12 | link | comments |

AAARGHHH!!!! i had one of the worst monday mornings. i woke up mga 6:15. take note: im supposed to be leaving for school at 6:15. you should see me get ready for school. it was a tornado. i have an exam at 7:30. grabe. what an adrenaline rush.

this has got to stop. cant sleep earlier than 12. insomaniac.

hey..check this out sent by amie.- may kasamang mga comments ko

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you. -yup, i think my family would...who else pa kaya..hehehe. but i dont want anyone to die!!!! hay, remembered harry...
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. - 15 lang? man!!! gusto marami pa. 160 number ng friends ko sa friendster e. i think i love a lot more people than that.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. - hmm..i wouldnt want anyone to hate me. and you wouldnt want to be like me. trust me...
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. - hehe..killer smile
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. - i sure hope so, sana yung iniisip ko rin
6. You mean the world to someone. - and my friends mean the world to me
7. If not for you, someone may not be living. - uhh... dunno e
8. You are special and unique. - my angels have been saying that. love you guys.... hehe ewan ko nga lang kung ano yung unique na sinasabi nila...mga unggoy yun e
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. - hmm...gwapo ba siya? pakilala ka nman
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. - i had made the biggest mistake to date.. but God's grace saved me. i grew closer with my friends, and i'm a lot happier now. so something great came out of it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. - hmm...true. pain and hurt is just a small part of this wonderful thing called life. embrace it. dont let yourself drown in things that would only make you unhappy.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it. - yup..gotta have a dream!!! ako nga m dying going through this whole med thing. pero still...magpumilit ka!!!! nothing wrong if you keep on trying d ba?
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. - true!!!! d heck with rude remarks. u know you're better than that. at least a lot people know that youre better than that

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know. - hmm..anong feelings ba yun. wag muna...lets stay friends. hehe
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.- hay naku, i cant enumerate them all. basta u guys mean so much to me, and i will love you in the best way possible. u are all my blessings.

posted by: cleng at January 19, 2004 09:44 | link | comments |

i hate you.

i have never thought i would be this angry with a person. and i never thought i would meet a person so insensitive, so self serving, so inconsiderate. do you actually think i could still hang on and answer at your beck and call? i am not yours to enslave. i admit, mabait ako, but you pUshed me too far. sobra na. how can you keep on hurting people without the tiniest evidence of guilt. is this the life you want? are you happy? d ba u sed this is what you want. i wont let you hurt me again. enough na. what you did was a make or break move-now i know what kind of person you are. you are not worth it.

this is the last time im going to lash out on you. because i intend to release it to God and forget about it.

WATCH ME BE HAPPY.

posted by: cleng at January 12, 2004 16:12 | link | comments (1) |

this has got to be the most stressful weekend ever. not physically or intellectually draining, but all the emotional stuff going on, just zaps the life out of me. fights, deaths, fears, pressures, they were jampacked in three days. hardly tolerable.

my friend, harry quijano died yesterday. nobody saw it coming. he was a perfectly healthy medical student. so when oliver texted me last night that he passed away, i was stunned. tried reading pero i couldent see the letters on the page. i have never had anyone close to me died before (thank God for that). but harry is my friend. he was very nice, always greet me at the start of the class and save me from the evil forces of fritz and oliver. i think everybody liked harry, the pseudoserious boy who was often thrown into the snares of pharma reporting-he is our comic relief in class.

last saturday i accidentally opened a message posted by harry sa friendster. and it said that virus is going to attack my account unless i repost it and delete a friend. sabi ko, "lokong harry to, siya nga idelete ko". never knowing that i could never put him in my friend's list again. when i went to see him today sa funeral home, he was dressed in his med uniform. exactly the way i last saw him...exactly the way i would remember him. i felt the searing pain of the family. we are all hurting from the loss.

posted by: cleng at January 12, 2004 16:00 | link | comments (1) |

pambihira. i just arrived in school when the guard greeted me, "hoy,suspended ang class". its quiapo day today, and its going to be riot there. even thinking about how you are gonna get home in the least stressed way possible is a big effort. pero at least walang class, and makikisabay ako k christel pauwi (thanks hon!!!). o well...

posted by: cleng at January 09, 2004 12:24 | link | comments |

waah!!! what a really bad way to start the scholastic year. i'll have you know that i, the drop dead gorgeous future nephrologist/oncologist have crammed the entire night yesterday, taking note that i had a two week vacation spread. i slept for like two hours lang, because i was trying to stuff everything i could into my poor degenerating brain. bad monkey.

this year went off to a bad start too. there were a lot a tragedies to begin with. there were fires in several areas of the country (antipolo and lucena). miko sotto and tito romy's dad passed away. hmm, and when i walked into church last sunday..i didnt see pastor sur's teddy bear physique walking around anymore. but still, given these circumstanstances, there are a lot more days left to make the most of the year right. and i hold my head high when i say that we filipinos can surpass whatever would be waiting for us. we are resilient people. a big factor would be how we hold on to God when all else fails. its not good really, to call out to Him in times of difficulty lang. but still, we as a nation has, through the times, acknowledged God's sovereignty. i think we'll survive another year.

hay naku, a week of nothing to study na pero i have no where to go...bahay lang. hint hint!!!! haha

posted by: cleng at January 06, 2004 15:10 | link | comments |

u know, sometimes i feel that i'm too happy...and i start to wonder whether i'm just trying hard to be. but i know i genuinely am. but still, i cant help but doubt myself...because there are certain points where in i start to break down again, but i would heave a desperate effort to get out of it. wala lang, it is such an irony na there are moments within a day that there are extremes of emotions. siguro nga lang i've been so mediocre when it comes to feelings in the past. thank God for people or i will be in shambles.

dear Lord, i know that even i cant understand myself with what i feel, but im very much aware that u do. just give me peace in my heart to keep me from going depressed or entertaining negative thoughts. i know life has been so beautiful despite of flaws here and there. that is reason enough not to make me feel guilty about being extremely happy. may i learn to accept that bad things do happen, no matter how hard you try to be good, and that u can get hurt no matter how hard you avoid it.

posted by: cleng at January 03, 2004 23:19 | link | comments |

PARTY!!!! megareunion ng mga taong bundok 2day-plus roxi and nina. hay, everytime they go here they would always look at my photo albums of high school pics and reminise about the good old days. it suddenly called to my attention that weve known each other for ten years!!!whew!!! the monkeys are present of course. i think nandito sila every other day for the entire week. i resolve to do something this year...or at least try to do. i, claire celiz-? will jog every wenesday and saturday morning. hay.. will i push through? help me Lord...hehe

posted by: cleng at January 03, 2004 22:37 | link | comments |

hay, the second day of the year. im in a panic mode pano i havnt studied much for the impending back to school terror. hehe. but im happy kasi i spent time with my angels last night. hindi na pala my angels, my monkeys na pala. if i go back to school and go around saying "unggoy!" to everyone, it's all your fault. being with them is like blogging-with your mouth. haha. we might not be the experts on life and relationships (lalo na dito!!), but i'm comforted with the fact that i can say anything and they wouldnt think anything bad about it. with them im allowed to make mistakes- not that i plan to make any na!!! hehe basta..i fell inlove with them this last quarter of the year hehe. you guys are now the proud owner of a big part of my heart.

posted by: cleng at January 02, 2004 14:16 | link | comments |

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