in limbo

waah!!! why do people have to change plans? hmm... e ganun e. kung kelan pa nman nagayos at super excited. o well, ganun talaga. basta, nainis ako. at nagtampo.

but anyway, bakit ganun no? suddenly i find myself in a position where there's so much to think about. parang daming nakakagulo sa utak that i just want to be left alone. at least for tonight.

ive been around so many people, so many friends are telling me stuff that i need to clear my head and reset. cause i have this instinct na baka lalo ako mainis. iwas nlang muna sa tao para walang madamay sa topak ko. hehe people think they can say whatever they want to me just because i always take it with a smile. maybe i just have a long trail of patience pero i hope people will be sensitive enough to know that some things cut deep at may mga bagay na nakakapikon. minsan talga nakakainis pero you just brush it off kasi parang ang trivial para gawan pa ng issue. baka sabihin si claire kababawan. pero minsan what is nonsense to people means so much to others right? i hope people get to figure out which stuff matters to me. para at least they would know kung they are hitting below the belt na.

posted by: cleng at February 28, 2004 21:54 | link | comments |

wala lang. what to say? feeling ko everyday i have to write something here. outlet ko ito e. kesa nman puro isip nlang gagawin ko. nyway, i am genuinely happy. ewan ko. i feel so elated. could the storm finally be over? or maybe its because napagod na rin akong kakaisip and im finally appreciating and enjoying what i have (which is a lot). pero minsan d mo ba naiisip na everything seems perfect na something really bad would happen right next to it? bad way of predicting stuff, right?

il just focus on being happy. feeling ko sobrang ganda ng buhay. ganda ng weather. i have my friends, nakakalabas ako with them, and summer is almost here!!! the age of the monkeys will come again. i really miss them.

doesnt take too much to make me smile. try mo.

posted by: cleng at February 27, 2004 11:27 | link | comments |

what claire thinks of the movie

who i watched it with: cielo, jeki, jamie, avi, oliver (sori pare!!! kailangan kang mabuko), poty, jamie, rina and apple

when i watched it: last tuesday after the modulars.

note to someone: i know i said manunuod tayo and im sori if i went with other people. i know nagtampo ka. bawi ako next time promise. il treat you the next time another sappy tagalog movie comes up. tapos we'll both bawl our eyes out. ikaw gusto kong kasama pag mga ganyan e.

its not your typical love story. in fact i didnt enjoy it at first kasi alam niyo na nman ako, im a sucker for lovey sappy tagalog chick flicks. the story didnt really revolve around piolo and claudine. but i have to hand it to the movie, it really gave a vivid glimpse into what the filipinos had to suck up to in milan. maganda. pero dont expect too much kilig moments.

well, enough of the feeling movie critic ekek. just wanna focus on the good stuff. siyempre about sa movie and my love life. e yun nga, can relate na nman ako. hehe. kung gano maging mapagparaya ang isang tao. u know how sometimes u will do everything to make that person happy, kahit to your own expense. basta ang pinakaimportante masaya siya. kahit hindi ikaw kasama niya. doesnt matter kung maapakapakan na puso mo. iv been through a lot of thinking this past month (note: this is not about any persons i was involved with). and ive come to a decision that i would be happy for the person no matter what. no, correction. that i would accept whatever would make that person happy. cause ultimately thats the most important thing for me (daming superlatives naman nun!!!). basta yun. im just happy na im a part of that person's life. il settle for that. no dramatic il fight for what i want saga.

and downpoint: no matter how u tire yourself out trying to make a person happy, it wont matter kung ayaw nman ng tao to get out of the bottomless pit of depression. i know that first hand. sabi nga ni claudine: HINDI PALA MAIIBIGAY ANG KALIGAYAHAN. HINDI RIN YUN NAKIKITA SA ISANG TAO OR LUGAR. TAYO LANG MISMO MAKAKAHANAP NUN. its up to us to be happy. i think more than a feeling, its an attitude. how you look at life in a certain way. sometimes you choose to be happy.

yun lang. bigla akong natulala. hehe

posted by: cleng at February 26, 2004 10:22 | link | comments |

NEURO MODULE IS FINALLY OVER!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!! its 1:45 in the morning, just got up from sleep. saya. hehe i went to bed 9pm kanina. and it was wonderful. tuloy tuloy. first time ever d2 sa makati. sabi ko na nga ba stressed lang kung bakit putol putol akong matulog.

so im sitting here in front of the computer: showered, rested claire. im happy cause i finally get to have some time to myself without any worries of needing to read something or thinking whatever may happen tom. i get to blog away as long as i like!!!

i met up with rea and jillian last monday night (tigas ko no? on the night of the modulars). it was rea's birthday and i really wanted to see my inaanak na. hehe. grabe, nostalgia. it was just like old times. feeling pa rin namin mga diyosa pa rin kami ng kagandahan. we are the ultimate set of women: kikay, boys and career, shopping, etc. they wanted me to become a dermatologist or plastic surgeon para may pakinabang daw sile. hehe. hay, sori monkeys pero i really miss hanging out with the girls. got to talk to them after 6 years. grabe no, im at a point in my life where many things seem to surface and stabilize themselves...lalo na relationships (uhh...except the relationship i really want!! hehe). parang bumabalik sa buhay ko yung mga taong who really matter to me. like rea and jill. my monkeys. people are goin and out of my life that its hard to keep tract (track pala, oh no!!! i must be thinking of the lateral spinothalamic tract!!! waah!!!) who really considers you as a true friend and is willing to stick to you no matter what. well, these girls fitted that description.

THIS IS MY SOUL SISTER REA AND I LOVE HER:

first time ever rin lumabas kami ng subsec ko...kung kelan patapos na ang schoolyear. well better late than never pa rin!!! saya. hay, suddenly i find myself with nothing to write. hmm...my mind must have really shut down. its playing jason mraz sleep all day over and over again. hehe

ayun!!! i have something to write about pala!!! brain lag. read:dementia hehe

heard gary valenciano's warrior is a child again. then i burst into tears. remember how i used to get so tired feeling strong and brave? people tell me im a strong person and i move on fast, and that they draw that from me. pero tama yun song. went the lights go out at night, and as i lie in bed trying to go to sleep i cry out to God, in desperation and near defeat. feeling ko life is sucking out the energy out of me. hay, pero siyempre God's mercies are new every morning, and He sustains me no matter how hard life lashes out on me each and everyday. i thank Him for that. that my strength runs out but He's always there. kaya i see life in a much nicer way now. i finally got my joy back.

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

posted by: cleng at February 25, 2004 02:02 | link | comments |

hay, got out from my neuro practical exams. inayos ko yung mga links ko: claire and God, love and relationships. hope u guys like it. post your comments sa bottom ng entry. magmala forum kayo. dont forget to put your name (example:claire is a hottie-your name here). hehe

God bless ulit sa modulars natin tom. its rea's birthday today. have to go see her. and mga girls lang ang nandun. me, jill and rea. no boys allowed. hehe miss them na. m excited!!!!

tomorrow, milan with my subsec. (hehe expect an entry on that, balibaliwan on my non-existent love life in relation to claudine and piolo)

posted by: cleng at February 23, 2004 11:45 | link | comments |

hay, claire is at her best today. in a perfectly good mood because i slept for 10 hours straight!!!! woohoo!!!! a real luxury for me. kahit ang caffeine walang nagawa kagabi. u guys better take advantage of it. hindi ako yung mareklamo, cranky type u usually see nowadays. i miss being the bubbly, maharot, bright ray of sunshine in my friends' lives. the one that makes them smile. time to bring that claire back. lately kasi they're the ones trying hard to make me feel ok. pero needless to say, i have to study. hay, for the final lap of neuro exams. pero at least in a well-rested disposition.

and i promised myself, d ako magrereklamo na as much as possible about med. no point doing that, and i would probably depress myself more. not healthy, for me and for other people im complaining to. mahirap, pero this is what i want. and to tell you honestly, i like what im doing. i feel that i am at the right place in my life, with the right people (told you i was in a good mood). well, God bless to us, section D!!!! galingan natin.

about my new links: aayusin ko pa ok. hehe. yung love and relationships link ko 55 hits na kaagad, e kakalagay ko lang. hmm...says something dont u think? read about it men, sana ul all strive to be close enough to fit to the description. cge na, aral na ko.

thank you Lord, for a great day. feels nice. makes me want to hug somebody.

posted by: cleng at February 21, 2004 11:56 | link | comments |

posted by: cleng at February 21, 2004 11:56 | link | comments |

had my chatterbox posted again. u guys better be nice. i mean it.

posted by: cleng at February 20, 2004 12:33 | link | comments |

aaargh. nobody fight please. hindi ko gusto yung nangyayari. you guys take your male rage outside my journal and my chatterbox. i had to remove it kasi its causing mayhem.

ikaw, you know who are. kilala mo ako and you know that im not the kind of person who would let other people settle my problems. kung gusto ko ng away, i should have done it a long time ago, when i was still so mad. hindi ko maguutos sa ibang tao na awayin ka. but il let you in on something: i have people who love and care for me so much that they are willing to protect me at all costs. yun lang. they know what ive been through. that is my explanation for a certain fred's behavior sa chatterbox. it was wrong (monkey warfreak!!!) and out of line. i apologize for that. you wanna meet? thats fine with me. u want to settle this? im more than willing. but i wont be coming alone il tell you that. you just leave a message sa friendster or sa comments sa ilalim ng entry.

fred, cool lang konti pare.

yan tuloy, iv lost my momentum sa pagsusulat. hmp!!!! mga lalaki talgang to. aayusin ko ito. sori people for all the foul things that were exchanged here for the past few days. mainit ulo ng mga tao. parang ako tuloy napasama. hindi ko sila pinagsasabong. hay naku, ayoko nitong kaguluhang ito. makes me feel bad about myself, na ako pa yun reason kung bakit may away (malamang!!!). i dont feel flattered sa mga nangyayari.

Lord, what to do? maybe part of this is my fault. this is my past. this is part of my decisions. i know You have restored me. but everything is a mess just like it was before. im at a loss for what to do. im scared to move, one wrong turn would cause me to fall into a cliff again. i dont want to do anything beacuse i may say something i might terribly reget later, or worse, decide on something that would disappoint You. i am patiently listening for Your voice. You are the constant source of peace amidst any storm. Your daughter is crying out right now. for direction. for peace of mind. for complete healing.

i solicit the prayers of all the people who care.

i was so happy last tuesday night. met up with high school friends sa libis (my angels, mia, jr, and robert). we watched melo's kuya's gig sa club centro (hehe, that wasnt gramatically correct). tapos everyone transferred to videoke beacause they wanted to perform on their own. and mind you, they did. everything from electric dreams to blue bayou to through the fire was sung. nobody wanted to put down the mic. for at least 3 hours there were no worries, no problems for the 8 people in that room. hay, let your mind wander free. pure happiness and fun. made me realize these were the people i was stuck with for my entire life (not that im complaining!!!!). real good people that im blessed to have known. namiss ko na yung bakasyon, where they would hang out sa bahay almost everyday (and my mom would let us!!!). and i love this time in my life, where we are adults but not quite. hehe and my angels, nagtext talaga silang 3 na sabihin ko kung nakauwi na ako. sweet. sa uulitin guys. u made me happy.

posted by: cleng at February 19, 2004 09:18 | link | comments (2) |

my rundown on february 14, 2004

since everybody is so big about valentines, here's what i have to say about the events as they happened.

prevalentine february 13 agony: i arrived sa school mga 12 pm, met melo and richelle sa chat. i missed richelle. i been through too much male bonding that i really craved for a woman's point of view. its nice to spill out your guts to someone who has the same emotional wavelength like you do. she understood why i was upset. and there i was dragging my sorry self to class, when oliver handed me a red heart shaped balloon (thanks pare!!!). it made me smile.

but then as i was on my way home, sitting sa fx, with a tight fist around my little valentine gift...i still felt miserable. i felt as if going through the entire valentines day was impossible. it was the typical claire valentine syndrome: the i'm all alone nobody wants me exclusive pity party.

February 14

i woke up mga 1 am because i spent almost the entire night sleeping away depression. we had the wicked semestral exams at 7, with the facilitator screaming her head off and jolting us awake more than an expresso would. you should have heard her, she was really terrible. reminds me of the queen of hearts alice met in wonderland that's screaming "OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!". pissed everyone off. there bouquets of roses left and right. hehe jamie gave christel and i little candy presents. sweet.

i went home with a dark cloud over my head. still in in a depressed mode. but then reah texted me about the meeting and suggested we go see a movie, i was slightly motivated. i was supposed to lock myself in my room that night, in a rotten shirt and trash talk to myself. but no, i had to get out. since when are only couples allowed to enjoy valentines day? so i told her, "magpapaganda ako ha. to beat the valentine blues".

hay, i missed her. i was actually excited about the date. so i took a power nap, and brought out my date-worthy clothes (clothes you wouldent normally wear on a daliy basis), put on makeup and my favorite pair of earrings. i really spent time fixing myself just like i would do on a real date. heck, if i cant be with the man i like, better it be with girl i love. so there we were people, two amazingly gorgeous and "top shelf" women at sm megamall, out to have fantastic female fun.

we watched chasing liberty: the perfect not too mushy, feel good movie. clutching our jolibee value 1 upsized  meals, it was again a good thing to bond with some youve had enless kilig sessions with, would comment with fashion sense on what you're wearing, knows what you're thinking during a particular scene, and agrees with you when you tell her that british love counterpart of mandy moore is cute (my monkeys would just look at me and go ???). hay, i felt a happy, giddy feeling. the endorphins has finally arrived.

after that we parted ways and i met up with a good friend and talked for a while, about love lives and everything else under the sun. no valentine pressure. it was all nice. downpoint: i have left the dungeon named valentine doom. i should have reminded myself about the safety button God has put in our lives at times like this: FRIENDS. thanks reah for choosing to spend this holiday with me. i love you babes.

i realize that in some point in my life i would actually need a man. soon, but not too soon. and the thing im agonizing about, well its still painful but more tolerable now, for all the reasons i would have to think about later. i feel an impending sense of doom that i'm going to get trampled on sometime in the future (hmm, feel na feel ko). but claire always finds a way to survive. and so i did.

and do i really need a boyfriend now? not really. i have three of the sweetest guys in the world taking care of me. sami, melo, fred: you're all at the top my guy list. love you guys. see you on tuesday.

posted by: cleng at February 15, 2004 01:32 | link | comments |

close to tears again...

why do i feel im losing a battle i havnt even begun to fight yet? because i have. ive lost even before all this has begun (or began--->m depressed but still all about grammar). basta. maybe its tym to surrender. to pack my bags and shrink into a corner. claire, such a coward.

my whys...

1. why did i let myself become a victim again?

daig ko pa nga mga lower forms of animals e...when they get trapped they develop an instinct that allows them to avoid it. e c claire? oh no. she lets herself fall over and over and over and over and over again. makulit ang utak. d matuto. d nagiisip. hay Lord, vakeeet? my limbic system is out of control.

2. why cant i just dismiss it?

yun nga ang pinagtataka ko e. if u analyze the circumstances parang ang dali lang. i have done it so many times. pero this is different. or baka ngayon ko lang nagiisip nito. hehe must be the holidays (read:claire is an all time antivalentine person). hay, cant really think why. but this has got to stop. even if it kills me in the process. think will power. think happier days. think positive thoughts. think fighting spirit. think about monkeys and angels and people you love. just think of everything but...

4. why do i have this impulse to do something that really hurts?

bakit nga ba fred? hehe again lower forms of life are better than me. i think i have developed an addiction for pain. the torture of thinking talaga. dont let our mind become idle. lalo na my brain in particular. very dangerous.

so im set out to doing the impossible. heck, kung med school nga im surviving e( kahit na pagapang), i can do this. give me a month at the most. hay, claire talo ka. give it up. time to set up pace again. get up on your feet and start moving. everybody would want that. they would want you to be happy.

ok, start by fighting back tears (very hard mind you)

posted by: cleng at February 14, 2004 02:53 | link | comments |

conversation in my head:

claire1: ano ba? stop reading other people's stuff

claire2: e bakit? its for everybody to see

claire1: but do you really need to? tignan mo, what are you feeling tuloy?

claire2: sabi ko nga. hay, if only things were simple

claire1: pero they're not sweetie. maybe u came in too late

claire2: or maybe i came in at the ryt time...i just dont want to accept the role that was handed to me

claire1: siguro nga. well, what are you thinking ryt now

claire2: i just wish that things would resolve. kahit na it's something that i dont really want to happen. nothing would really change nman talaga e. ako lang nman nagiisip

claire1: is that what you really want?

claire2: if that what it takes para matahimik ang lahat..why i would i want to sustain something that causes large amounts of pain?

claire1: are you prepared?

claire2: i dont think i could ever be prepared for that. il just bounce back.

claire1: lets just pray about it. God will comfort you and give you the right answers

posted by: cleng at February 12, 2004 09:42 | link | comments |

questions in my head:

1. why do i sometimes feel i have to know another person's life, someone i totally havent met, just because that person means a lot to someone who means a lot to you?

i know that it shouldnt meddle with other people's business, i have a lot in my hands right now, pulling through for my friends. but sometimes, you just have to wonder why that person means so much to someone. arrgh. and you scrape together whatever you can find and from that make some sort of rationalization why such is such. talk about driving yourself into a brick wall. self stab in the heart. because you finally realize that there's no reason to hate. or to dislike that someone. hay, the things i do. desperate if you ask me. but sometimes, claire gets a little too desperate.

2. Why do i sometimes talk too much?

i do. when im writing, my thoughts run ahead of me. same thing when i speak. bwiset. i hate it. claire is too emotional sobra (too na, emotional pa!!!). pag she feels something, she says it too fast and ends up unintentionally hurting somebody. wala lang. somebody stop the raging thoughts inside my head. somebody calm the pent up emotions inside me. one fruit of the spirit that i have to maximize: self control.

3. Why do i always feel that i have to rush?

waahh!!! always my biggest mistake. claire, maybe to others the most rational and sure footed person, has a clinch for such spur of the moment big decisions. aargh!!!!! chain me down please. alam mo yun, u think that ur sure about something, and ur right most of the time. pero where u fail are those areas that hurt. deep. i guess i would have to choose between the agony before and after. iv tried one. maybe this time il go for the other.

4. Why do i always feel pain for so things i am not involved in?

Pain. i am so familiar with the concept nowadays. but still, it doesnt numb the sting. ewan ko, bakit ko pa hinahayaan ang sarili ko to feel it kahit d nman ako kasali. because i feel exactly what the other person is feeling. do i have a choice? i do. but may mga bagay na d ako matiis. boils down to: im too nice and i love people too much.

hehe. you probably wont get anything from this because its so vague....

posted by: cleng at February 11, 2004 12:52 | link | comments |

one thought kept going on inside my head the whole school day of feb. 5, 2004: SOMEBODY KILL ME.

• doesnt matter if christel and i spent 6 solid hours sa starbucks the day before studying the wonderful world of the cerebral cortex and the spinal cord
• doesnt matter if i indulge two days just trying to study the sensory and motor system sa neuroscience
• doesnt matter if my total hours sleep for the last 3 days was 10.

halos wala pa rin akong masagot. sobrang hirap. everybody was in a cranky mood. by the third exam...feeling ko sasabog na mga ugat ko sa utak. i was having a headache. a near stroke experience.

hay nakakalungkot ever....

somebody tell me why i wanna be a doctor...

posted by: cleng at February 06, 2004 03:52 | link | comments (1) |

i am now the unofficial ninang to arean steven manuel-?. the handsome son of my good high school friend-almost a sister rea manuel. she gave birth today, and she texted me right away (wow, rhyme!!!). hehe gwapo raw yung baby. il visit him sumtime this week. yey!!! another baby in my life. e yung baby na grown up...wala pa?!!! joke, baka batukan ako ni Lord at ng mga unggoy.

posted by: cleng at February 03, 2004 10:40 | link | comments |

One of my monkeys is sick. Hmm...kamusta na kaya ang tuberculosis patient ko? hehe joke lang. Pray for frederick, tinalaban ng virus ang bodybuilder physique niya. sana ul feel better na. hehe. wag ka na kasing magpakasiba.

But anyway...let's lighten things a little bit. need to bring out the kikay in me.

TIPS BY CLAIRE:

i wrote all this stuff...pwede pa bang pang magazine? hehehe

1. Dont use sunblock as foundation for your makeup.

I experimented on that last friday. feeling ko kasi the moisturizer that i'm using does not give enough sun protection. kaartehan lang. so i used this sunblock spray, applied blush and face powder over it, and by the end of the day... POOF!!!! major break out. hehe i had to bring out my trusty concealer again-i also started using this lately for the dark circles under my eyes (recommendation: tea tree oil cover stick by body shop, you wont have to worry about additional damage). so never attempt to try what i did. intiende?!!!!

2. Keep your accessories to a minimum

My personal rule: keep it to 2 flashy accessories lang. Mas ok nga kung two accessories lang period. Accessories meaning: earrings, bracelets, rings, necklaces, watches, and your bag if its really a stand out screaming type. ako, my watch is a staple part of anything i wear, so its either i tone down on my earrings and wear a really chunky bracelet and a stand out bag. or go for danglings and simple bag lang. well, you get what i mean. they tend to mask your real beauty (siyempre lahat ng friends ko kagandahan!!!!!). and i think guys would appreciate that. trust me. they wouldent want you trying too hard. claire, the love guru: contact her through this blogsite... and one more thing: i was watching F last saturday, and they said that the color of jewelry this year would be gold. so bring out the bling bling and hide the stainless. well, i neither have anything of both anyway.

3. Chug down tons of water.

In this case i dont walk the talk. But before all that health crap about body cleansing and stuff, its the most powerful beauty tool ever. u can save up on a lot of stuff u have to put on your face if u drink at least 8 glasses. keeps your skin hydrated and glowing. well, thats it. hehe and avoid caffiene at all costs!!!!! siyempre ako d pwede-kunwari nagaaral pero actually addicted lang ako sa nescafe frothe butterfinger.

4. The power of blush

Actually, its more of a cheek tint. my choice: pretty when pinched by bench. does wonders for you. lalo na if you want to appear subtle. feeling pretty booster din. actually its cheap. you have to put any other makeup as long as you use blush.

5. Try clothes youve been wanting to wear but just overly shy to do so.

You can still wear those outfits and be conservative. Wala lang. If youre still not comfortable about baring your skin, maybe you can invest on a basic earth color cardigan or a jacket. Just be careful not to appear slutty. hehe if youre not quite sure pakita niyo lang sakin and il be the judge. i bought tube tops last month but im not sure i can wear them in public yet. actually i did wear them- but always with sumtin over it. but still im happy with the fact that im still wearing one. makes me feel sexy, at the same time i still havent abandoned the half conservative me.

6. Be positive

Life is full of things to be happy about. Discover it. update with old frends (hello!!! friendster?), go out, take up a class (iv always wanted to take up kickboxing. wala nman akong kasama), play badminton, tambay sa mall. whatever makes you enjoy life. nothing turns on and draws people to you more than a happy disposition and a smile on your face. life may be tough, but the heck with it. get out and bounce back. be a fun and fearless feamale!!!... uhhh and male na rin.

7. Spend time with God.

Yup. The ultimate tip ever. ul realize that some of the stuff you're all stressed about, you really wouldnt have to worry about it if u let God take care of it. Start a personal relationship with Him, its the best experience. it might sound wierd to you, but in moments when you feel frustrated and confused and nobody seems to have a clear answer to your insane question, you can talk to Him. Tip: lock urself in your room and begin chatting like ur talking to sum1 on the other side of the phone. He may never talk back, but i assure there would be an astounding sense of comfort and peace after, kind of like a Father's big hug. Stress... sobrang nakakapangit yun. Release it to God, He is always bigger than your problems. then you can move on the more important things : like having fun!!!!!!

posted by: cleng at February 02, 2004 12:42 | link | comments |

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