Name: cleng
a twenty-seven year old walking around looking like sixteen(and believe me, that's not always good). a frustrated writer and lover of literature, reading hard bound nancy drew books when i was nine, making crazy poems, keeping a now embarrassing journal, and wanting to be a journalist for as long as i can remember (except for that brief time i so wanted to become a ballerina). but the Lord led me to a entirely different path. im now a licensed physician, though i wonder, can a doctor become as kikay and as loud as i am? hehe. i can be really weird and extremely emotional, but pretty much tolerable. i'm just being a girl, i guess. =)
annoying
ate renz
claire loves Christ
claud
claude
dea
enoch
girl power!!!!
homebase
i hate men!!!!
jc
jm's motime blog
joss stone:soul sessions
kurlie's songs
kuya chad
MY GORGEOUS PICS!!!
my other diary
pinoy saints
reah
richelle
sj
whatever
today
June 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
visited *loading* times
i cried kaninang madaling araw for something that happened to someone and not me. i couldnt bear to see a friend go through so much pain. it is my gift. i know that a part of me will always be connected to everyone that holds dear to me. ive given up on trying to be detached. cguro kaya ganun kasi i love these people, and more than anything i would like to see them ok.
im writing a letter to the one that hurt that my dear someone. i was so mad kagabi. but i know there is nothing i can do. people just get hurt sometimes.
dear ******************,
i dont really know you that well but i consider you my friend. we go way back. you are part of my history. we shared conversations but i didnt feel that i know whats going on in your head. and now i dont know if i should tell you mine.
but im mad. and hurt. i know perfectly well that im not in a position to say anything, even remotely freak out on what just happened yesterday (or earlier this morning). but i did. so sue me (well, isnt that just the irony). i wouldnt care less. i used to. but i dont now. and who knows until wen.
u broke my heart as well as hers. i wasnt shocked wen it happened. i guess i was too numb to accept that you could do such a thing. she doesnt deserve that. she doesnt deserve that (said it twice for emphasis). maybe heartbeaks cannot be avoided, but still a dignified end to a relationship was in order. she doesnt deserve to go through that long, agonizing torture. nobody does. especially her. it took her great amounts of courage to wait and stay quiet. and it took me huge amounts of pagtitimpi not to do something. i trusted you enough to think na u can handle things in a mature manner. you should have seen her. kills me everytime i think about it.
and if you try that lousy excuse that i dont know anything, cut the crap. i dont know anything, thats true. but its because nobody bothered to tell me what goin on. thats why i couldnt help her. i could only sit and watch her go through the whole painful experience..thinking, well she needs to live on her own anyway. but it tore me apart. my friend has hurt my other friend, and prolonging it. its like leaving wounds open and not letting them heal. bakit mo pinatagal? alam mong hindi tama yun. we are both smart people, but one does not need to go into law school or med school to understand that simple fact. its simple, pure human ethics. i know i sound like im demanding for an explanation but maybe i am. were friends, and i think i need to hear what in the world is goin on.
and more than anything, she needs that. she has a right for that. these are a person's feelings you're dealing with. not just somthing you can throw down and walk away from. kaya nga you commited. dont do this to her. at least talk to her. u owe her that much. for whatever it is that you shared together.
dont destroy my faith in love-and men. be man enough to admit to what you feel, it might not be what she needs to hear. but honesty will always be appreciated. instead of just shrinking away. dont make me say i have more b*l*s that you do.
well, thats it.
hey guys helping me...d ako makapost sa journal ko using my ultra techie computer (sus!!!as if lang). laging may lumalabas na script error. sabi ng mga master computer engineers na cla sami and rainier na sa internet daw yung problem..well, i keep on refreshing it pero d nman natatangal. pano ba?
hmm.. hi monkeys. we need a baliwbaliwan session. miss you fred, melo and sami.
I NOW OFFICIALLY LOVE HOCKEY.
watched a hockey game last night sa mega. my cousin, jeff, in one mean hockey machine-hehe it took him years of invites sa mga games niya before i decided to watch. wala akong kasama kagabi and he was already gearing up wen i arrived. he had no cell with him, kaya sabi ko, oh no, d pa yata kami magkikita. buti nlang when he was inside the rink, he saw me. it was a me talking to someone inside a fish tank experience. hehe. but he was really happy to see me and i was happy to see him play. galing nila. their team won. i had to restrain myself from screaming kasi ako lang, and you how i get all excited. rainier and his friend, paolo, stopped by kaya in the end i had someone with me na. hehe.
i got all dizzy following the puck throughout the game. it was so small, and they were hitting it around. tpos their hockey sticks tinatabunan pa yon, pero it was fun and i loved watching it. the audience was banging the fiberglass rink wall. everything was very mighty ducksy. hehe. the game lasted for about 45 minutes lang, but my cousin was very tired when it was over..
this is my cousin jeff...i stole this from his friendster pics...good looks definitely runs in the family
THERE'S ANOTHER GAME THIS WENESDAY SA SM MEGA AT 9PM...IF YOU GUYS WANNA WATCH LET ME KNOW..THEY ARE UP AGAINST AN AMERICAN TEAM I THINK.
Napapaisip na nman ako. It amazing how God works, He uses people to get the messages across. Nung Tuesday I was talking to sami over the phone, telling him how much i miss the activities sa church and cant wait to do them since im more than available now. It has been part of my system for many years now (check out my article for WIRED sa claire loves Christ link). My mind, body and especially my soul is all set out for fulltime summer ministry. Pero it seems as if God has a different plan this year. Ewan ko. Im confused. I talked to Sonia kanina, and she told there wouldn’t be any VBS this year. And plans for a youth retreat have not been started yet. That left me disappointed and at a loss for what to do. But here’s the clincher. A friend-co youth leader texted me a few hours ago saying that God has been telling her something about the youth ministry. Sabi niya God is telling her to come back to
Hello. M back from my very long vacation (yeah right!!!). but I must say I enjoyed it very much. It was one of my rare moments away from Luzon. So now im going to be your travel guide and sell out the Visayas to you.
What I did in Bohol for a day:
mura lang magstay sa bohol. Whats really expensive is the fare. I was used to spending a lot on entrances sa Singapore, pero d2 sobrang mura lang. Recommended ko ito.
What I did in Cebu for a day:
wasted...just came from my overnight vigil sa hospital, caring for my lola. hay...havent got a decent sleep yet. pano, my grandmother was placed in the charity ward because there was no private room available yet (i think we're still waiting for one), and she cant stay in the emergency room. the bed next to her had a case of encelopathy due to hepatitis...meaning her liver was destroyed by the disease and something that wasnt supposed to enter her brain did. she was in decorticate posturing na and was mumbling real loud. tried to keep my eyes closed pero its her voice that kept ringing in my ears. tpos i stop and thought, ano kayang feeling ng ganun? to be sick in your brain. grabe. please take care of your health people. actually, iv learned a lot of things last night. it wasnt that bad because i had a friend who was super nice to accompany me. grabe. sobrang salamat talaga. that was real sweet. anyway, we were talking about what was happening around us sa hospital and felt blessed for our still strong, young and healthy bodies. kami kasi yung tipong nagaabuso ng health e. o well, makes me want to help people as a doctor. just wait for me my patients!!! i better go, my brain is floating away na....
WOOHOOO!!!!! I passed the neurology removals. Grabe, it got me out of sorts for the last two weeks. Finally, its over. And I’m home free!!!! Feeling ko ngayon pa lang magstart ang bakasyon. Me, poty, and my other classmates camped out yesterday morning sa labas ng neurology faculty waiting for a few sheets of paper to be posted in the bulletin boards. Nobody wanted to eat or even step five feet away from the place. Wala saming sure kung sino talaga papasa kasi the exam was terrible. Sobrang hirap. When I submitted my paper nung wenesday I was close to tears at mainit na talaga ang ulo. Kaya kahapon natatakot talaga ako. And I think I wasn’t the only one who was tense. My mom and some of my friends na pinagsabihan ko about it was waiting for my results din. They kept on texting me kung ano na ang nangyayari and telling me na their prayers are with me. Thank God for friends kaya feeling ko hindi ako magisa, and if ever I got a bad result, I would have people to turn to rin. Super thanks sa mga tao who prayed for me, whether recognized or not. God has taught another important lesson. And this is another proof that this is God’s will for me. If He’s in charge, nothing can ruin His plans for my life. Kaya don’t go suggesting na I take up nursing. I want to become a doctor. Well, im off to Bohol on Sunday. Woohoo!!!!!
NEWSFLASH (THIS YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE!!!): 
CLICK ON ENOCH'S LINK TO SEE HIS TOP FIVE WOMEN. FINALLY, SOMEBODY GOT IT RIGHT!!! HEHE thanks noknok. youre the man!!! kung ayaw mong man...kahit ano nlang gender na gusto bro...
ADVERTISEMENT:
IF YOU WANT TO INDULGE INTO THE MIND OF A MACHO GWAPITO, ULTIMATE HUNKABLE, BADINGER Z..CLICK THE ENOCH LINK.
Yesterday was one of my better days ever since I heard about the remedial exams. D b I have put myself into exile? Well, I finally got out of the house. Pumunta akong school cause I needed to see my name on the bulletin board, hehe to convince myself siguro. It was tiring, commuting from my Antipolo hideaway to UST, which is in the middle of the overly polluted and noisy metropolis. Tpos puntang megamall and back to Antipolo. And I had to run errands pa before that. Sobrang init. So why one of my better days? I guess I really needed to get out of the house and see the world, kahit within a 100 kilometer radius lang. I needed to talk and spend time with friends, to laugh and smile with them. And siguro, being the kikay that I am, I needed to dress up and put aside for awhile, the old shirts and shorts I have been living into these past few days. Basta I know things are finally looking up. Im scared to death about my exams tomorrow, make or break kasi yun. Pero I think there’s nothing left to do but to study and pray hard. Hope you guys will pray for me too.
The world stood still for a moment. For months it was what I was waiting for. A breakthrough. All I needed was to be quiet. I think my life has been full of noise and hectic events that I failed to notice that God was silently whispering in my ear. Last Sunday I heard that. I felt that. I have overwhelmed with thirst for my Father. I held on to that moment for as long as I could. To prolong that embrace. I felt so loved and secure.
Hello. This is Kikay Cleng speaking. Claire, who is still in a terrible mood has decided to hand me the pen, or the keyboard for a while to write something nice in the journal. I’m a side of her most girls appreciate and most guys, well, don’t understand.
What’s been going on in my life? I got hot oil treatment two weeks ago, the first time I had in three years. Its has been months since I last entered a 
. Pero hindi dahil I’m too busy with schoolwork ha. At least that’s not the primary reason. Tamad rin siguro. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with the kind of hair that you can leave without doing anything on it for months at a time and it will still look good (think long, shiny, and straight). I guess God was kind enough to not let me look like some comb-deprived girl because I seldom fix my hair. Pero I decided that I owe myself a little pampering, and after I had hot oil, I was disappointed. My hair looked the same as it was. I didn’t need it after all. My mom got a little annoyed (after all, she paid for it). Hehe o well, at least it got the shampoo residues out. I haven’t got a haircut yet (I think it was last year since I had my last). I’m planning to let it grow long this summer and dare myself to maintain it.
And on the clothes topic, I suddenly have this fetish for white stuff. I have white capris that, if it were up to me, I would wear every single time I go out. But I also want white drawstring bermuda shorts (fancy term for puruntong, which is the shorts for this summer sabi sa F), white denim shorts, white cotton pants, and white sandals. White is my summer color. Pero I haven’t gone out anywhere yet, thanks to Claire and her terrible mood. I want to go the beach and wear the pink board shorts I bought from Landmark. Tip: Landmark is my fashion haven. Lalo na this summer, they have everything you would need, from coverups, to sarongs, to bandannas, and really cheap too. Hmm.. I have stuff for the summer. Where Claire plans to take me, I don’t know yet. I think when her exam is over, I’ll know. Let’s just hope her mood is better then.
For the past few days I have chosen to place myself into exile. For as far as I can remember, I have always loved being around people. My friends have always counted on me to plan gimmicks for them, to have these super long conversations on the phone that can last all day, and to be constantly be where the rest of the people are. In church, I used to be found where the events are. Whatever it is, whatever I can do to help, I’m there. In school, I smile at everyone I have become acquainted to. Christel calls me Ms. Friendship. But suddenly, I realized that I have to spend some time to clear my head and to think by myself. I have not changed, I think. I am still the person I wrote about earlier. I still want to be. But for the past few months I have been submerged in the lives of other people, and I find myself lost in them. I have conformed and built myself around them. The reality is, as I have found out, is that things are not ideal as I would want it to be. They do not reciprocate at all times, that we are different people. I should not depend on other people to take care of me all the time. That sometimes, people have their own lives and have parts that do not involve me. But in this fact I should not feel abandoned but that is just how life is. Sometimes I need to take care of myself. I keep myself in check, find joy in my life and not others. That is why I am now spending time alone. To think. To reset. To force my life into a screeching halt and try to see what I had become. Hmm…no correction, not by myself pala, Between God and me. I need a long talk with the One who knew me before I was even formed. To unload these list of confusing thoughts, fears, and well….secrets of the heart.
More than one people have told me na my whole life is written on this journal. Hehe, I remember Joanna telling me, magkukwentuhan pa ba tyo, e bulgar na buhay mo sa journal mo? Another said that I have guts to let other people read it, considering there are private thoughts involved. Blame it on my love for writing. This is a way to organize my thoughts, seeing them in front of me. In here I try to heal hurts and problems, and to share my life with people I don’t get to talk to anymore because certain situations do not permit it. But if you ask me the question, are you a private person, I would not have known the answer. Because there are some things I do not tell other people. Maybe for you this journal has been pretty much open about my life, but the intimacies in my heart, I prefer to lock away. I have conversations with a lot with my friends, pero I think in most cases they say I’m a good listener because they do all the talking and sharing and I say little. Maybe I have some things that I do not let the world read. Maybe I’m half half. A private person but not quite.
cruel world!!!! every profile i look into sa friendster...man!!!! IN A RELATIONSHIP. people who never gave a single thought about it nung high school. people of all shapes and sizes. WAAHH!!!!!!! and there's this girl i knew back in high school, who could not have been more than five feet tall (ndi ako nanglalait!!! its true). well, she is now found sa friendster cuddling up to some cutie. man!!!! life can be such a teaser sometimes. bad joke honey... =(
BRUTAL TRUTH.
I like it better than receiving the cold shoulder. I have this longstanding rule with a friend, that no matter how painful or totally nerve racking, you say it. I know it doesn’t always apply to all situations, but most of the time it does. I mean, if you get upset with somebody…well, the first primitive instinct would be to keep it to yourself and sulk. Praying that somehow, in some way the other person would notice and ask how you are. Of course, you will deny it and then after much persuasion you eventually give in and begin to tell, in the most vague and polite way possible, the events that started the drama. And at the end of your story you will go, “it’s ok…”. Another way and probably one of the worst scenario is when you get offended and irritated, you just stop talking to the person. That person is totally unaware of what’s happening, and will go totally crazy thinking what it is that she did. Then after a few days when everything has cooled down, things would resume like it was before, and the issue is buried somewhere in the chest of the undiscussed and that will be the end of it. That is not what I want in friendships. I know some things that can get to you might seem pretty trivial or something the other has practically no idea of (maybe because of plain old pagkamanhid), but it has to be said. It has to be talked about. Even if you find it ridiculous or totally irrelevant. We should be helping each other to become better persons and friends, right? To make the relationship more meaningful and worth having. Sometimes being polite does not help. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure, life is either a daring adventure or nothing. (that last line was from meg magazine)
Sometimes life just sucks. As much as I’m into LET US CELEBRATE LIFE ITS SO BEAUTIFUL concept (from rainbow by south border), sometimes it just throws in these little irritating pieces that really freaks you out. I feel like screaming right now. A measly 1% has just ruined one week of my vacation. I have to READ these whole span of neurology topic for removals. All because of a stupid 1%. Arrgh. Neurology. The module I cried over. The one where you had to use a special skill called imagination in order to understand its concepts and clinical correlations. This second sem is really hard. At least I think so. I have always thought I was smart pero ngayon nararamdaman ko na im really stupid and weak intellectually. Seryoso. May be a little too much for me to say pero it was this year I’m beginning to doubt my competency to be a good doctor. My classmates, grabe, I have known smart, but some of the people sa med just gave it a whole new definition. Can I really go through this whole med thing? Or maybe I’m exaggerating lang. I never failed any of the modules yet although I always feel like I would. But my grades are not really something to be proud of-in my opinion at least. Hay, I hate to complain because ever since Oliver told me CNO BA NAGSABING MADALI ANG MED? I started a whole new outlook. Nahihirapan talaga ako. My grades suck. And im in the problem based learning curriculum-stigmatized as a weak system and produces incompetent doctors. Lord, help me to see clearly the plans you have for me. Lift my spirits and help me work harder at what I do. Im starting to get scared.
Template by motime.com | header image credit: Markus Gann © www.begann.de
