Name: cleng
a twenty-seven year old walking around looking like sixteen(and believe me, that's not always good). a frustrated writer and lover of literature, reading hard bound nancy drew books when i was nine, making crazy poems, keeping a now embarrassing journal, and wanting to be a journalist for as long as i can remember (except for that brief time i so wanted to become a ballerina). but the Lord led me to a entirely different path. im now a licensed physician, though i wonder, can a doctor become as kikay and as loud as i am? hehe. i can be really weird and extremely emotional, but pretty much tolerable. i'm just being a girl, i guess. =)
annoying
ate renz
claire loves Christ
claud
claude
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enoch
girl power!!!!
homebase
i hate men!!!!
jc
jm's motime blog
joss stone:soul sessions
kurlie's songs
kuya chad
MY GORGEOUS PICS!!!
my other diary
pinoy saints
reah
richelle
sj
whatever
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visited *loading* times
People ask me why I say that I am loved. I must have talked about romantic love so many times kaya feeling nila that’s what I’m always implying. Siguro nga that’s what I have been desiring for the past weeks (months? years?)..pero after the retreat I had a change of heart. I have learned to open my emotional eyes and look at the vast (I confidently use the adjective) mass of people that have loved me throughout the years.
Here are a handful of reasons why I feel that I am loved:
q I have my mom, a strong woman and fighter in life. In my opinion she’s practically the perfect mom. I take a lot of my good qualities from her. Inspite of a really hard time in her early life, she had not gone bitter but instead thrived in it and became a better person. If you see me as tough, its because I got it from her. She taught me practicality, sensibility, simplicity and a deep pagpapaimportansya for spirituality. she raised me up to be a good person, never super strict, but all the same a disciplinarian. And she didn’t stop me from reaching my dreams though it entails her having to work for hours on end to provide for everything. I hope I make her proud and I hope to be a good mom like her (including being a great cook and having great skin!!!)
q I have my family (grandparents, titos, titas, and cousins), which is pretty small in comparison with your own, but that gives me more reason to love them. we don’t have to conduct annual reunions because we live with each other everyday. I have more than once called them crazy, and at some point I cry over frustration sa kanila, pero im really blessed to have them. I have my tita ellen’s place to crash into pag madumi ang kwarto ko, kakainan ko pag wala ng ulam, and unlimited use sa computer. I can stay up all night (and way into the morning) using the fone in my tita marie’s house. Lola often tells me she plays the dad that I never had. Lolo is a great man for God, and I draw strength that he believes that I will make a great doctor someday. The fact that we all serve sa church gives me a great sense of pride that we are all doing something for God as a clan. Well, that’s my family. Crazy, but I adore them.
q I have an endless stock of girlfriends that I can count on for anything: shopping, boy talk, crying sessions. People from high school, college, and med I wanna list them all pero I may leave somebody out and it may start a cat fight. I know that I will always have them around for any emergency female bonding. At cno pa ba magaaminan na magaganda tyo kundi tayo tayo rin? A certified pick me up. Who really needs guys when you’ve got a bunch of girls crazy about you?
q I have my angels: three of the greatest guys in the world. I think overexposed na nga sila, with me kissing up to them every now and them (hehe). hindi ko rin talaga maintindihan kung bakit I love them this much, but I feel a certain connection with them. should I call it a bond a brotherhood? (e girl ako e). these guys have seen me at my lowest point (melo calls it pathetic), yung tipong you cry over the silliest things pero feeling mo binagsakan ka na ng mundo. Melo have stuck with my moments of deadma (kahit anong text niya dati, deadma lang ako), have been my constant driver around antipolo, provider of new witty remarks (magtino ka ha?..text text nlang), and a big brother image (tell me straight out na mukha na akong tanga sa mga ginagawa ko sa buhay ko minsan). He has time and time again showed me my worth, the meaning of our friendship, and the beauty of life itself. Fred, hehe, takot ako diyan, pag nagsalita yan he drives home a point so well na mapapaisip ka talaga. At pag magkasama kami I always hold on to his arm kasi I find him comfortable to be with at sarap lambingin. A man of few words pero lots of heart. Sami naman, well, he takes care of me in many ways. Kaya niyang magpasensya at my worst mood. Dito sa taong ito I have practiced the art of telling the truth brutally at its maximum. Dapat pagusapan lahat ng bagay. Friendship at its roughest and most turbulent (ay grabe, walang kamatayang tampuhan), pero we would always come up shining and way better. Dami na naming pinagdaanan ng tatlong unggoy na ito, and although marami pang darating, no matter what happens, they will always be my angels.
q I have my church. ICS has become a second home, with a family that has seen me grow up in so many ways. Lalo na sa youth, with Pastor Chad, Pastor Sur, Ate Renz, Reah and Antonette, Ate Jen, Jr, Jm, Grace.. (hmm..marami pa!!!). I have realized my potential as a christian and the ability to make change because of them. I have always looked up to these people for spiritual guidance, encouragement and good clean fun. I thank God for the young people of ICS who I truly love and who I know values me as a friend, an ate (oh, no!!! hehe) and as a sister in Christ.
When I say I don’t want to, I really mean it. In this particular situation, I say it plain and clear. It does not subserve any of the ff:
a) a test for your persistence.
b) Me playing hard to get
c) Reverse psychology
I hope you would stop pushing. Medyo nakakainis na, and I don’t want to get to the point when I have to make up excuses just to be polite. I don’t how more straightforward I can get when I say no, pero anything more than that would be mean and rude. And I don’t want to be.
My eyes seem to have developed a life on its own. My mind does not control it now, but my soul. It is connected to my innermost being, and it unleashes what the truth inside me convenes. I used to think that it was a lousy pickup line guys use when they tell me my eyes sparkle when I’m happy, but when girls started saying that too, I think there’s truth in it.
Two persons again this week told me my eyes were sad these past few days. Not my smile, or my actions, but my eyes. Everything looked completely normal from the outside except that the so-called windows to my soul were dark, cloudy and tired. Hmmm…that pretty much scared me, but hey..i think I have to do something about it. Sabi nga ni pastor chad in one session sa retreat, SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP. You always have a choice. You can either wallow in self pity or take time to enjoy and appreciate the many blessings that you have. We cannot control every situation. Our ability to change things only goes so far. But what we can control is our attitude towards it. Sometimes we are clinging on to things that are painful, that will make us depressed..but what we’re really doing is preventing God from putting something new, exciting and better in our hands. And how can He do that when we still hold something in our hands. Contrary to what many of us will want to believe, there’s more to life than pain. When we think so much about being hurt, we get consumed by it and we end up taking for granted the people that love us and have stuck with us when we feel like crap. Now that’s tragic.
So I know eyes will sparkle again soon, or maybe they are doing just that now. I have chosen to be happy and have left frustrating situations in God’s hands. Para I can just sit back and relax and let God do His work (I was about to say work His magic). Better. Claire is much better.
Posted by Analyn Jose sa friendster bulletin board. Syempre, react nman ang lola mo (which would be me). ako yung all caps.
what i remember about sma:
syempre number one ang walang kamatayang gala uniform. kapag tagulan syempre putik-putik ang mga students.nung panahon namin (HAY NAKU, TRUE…EWAN KO BA..I HAVE NOT MASTERED THE ART OF WALKING AND NOT GETTING MUD ON MY UNIFORM..PROBLEMA KO PA RIN YUN KAHIT NA COLEGE AND MED)
mabenta ang icecream ni mang max nga ba yun? (limot ko na tagal na kc nun)- (YUN BA YUNG MGA DRUM STICKS? I FORGOT NA..BASTA LUV KO ICE BUKO…AT PURO PABILI AKO NG ICE CANDY KAY JOHN PAUL DATI..AT KINAKAIN KO DURING CLASSES TAKE NOTE)
uso pa noon ang rides sa maria. yun bang parang perya!- (D KO NA NAABUTAN I2)
ang walang kamatayang pizza ni ate at shake ni aling norms. eh papaano yun ang palagi naming kinakain noon!- (AY GRABE MANGO SHAKE NG MARIA..D BEST!!! SOBRANG HABA NG PILA, MADEDEHYDRATE KA MUNA BAGO KA MAKABILI)
kapag break parang gera sa canteen freak ang mga students unahan sa pagbili. si sister hnd magkanda ugaga sa pagbebenta.kapag p.e. –( PARANG LRT I2 E, YUNG TIPONG TATAYO KA NALANG TAPOS IAAGOS KA NA NG MGA TAO. FIRST DAY KO SA MARIA I WAS FREAKED OUT..SANAY KASI AKO SA TWO SECTIONS PER YEAR LEVEL..IMAGINE SA MARIA 7 SECTIONS PER YEAR..KAHIT IBANG ORAS PA YUNG HIGH SCHOOL BREAK AT 2 YUNG CANTEEN..AY GRABE ANG DAMI PA RIN)
uso noon ang hiraman ng p.e. uniform. nagalit si sister kya pinatatakan ng pangalan ang bawat uniform para walang nanghihiram. galing no!- (ITO LANG HA, HINDI KO MAKALIMUTAN ITO…DATI YUNG TSHIRT KO PANG P.E. E SMALL. SOMEHOW, PAGKATAPOS NG ISANG CLASS I WENT HOME WITH A XXL SHIRT!!! SOBRANG LAKI KAINIS!!! WALA PANG GUSTONG MAKIPAGPALIT. KAYA I ENDED UP USING THAT FOR TWO YEARS. NOT VERY GOOD FASHION SENSE LALO NA MAY BOYS NA CLASSMATES.
ang j.s. namin lang kwenta!-( HEHE..I HAD FUN THOUGH)
ang principal noon hay naku kay bagal kumilos tanda na kc.- (PERO YUNG IBANG MADRE LOVABLE NMAN..LALO NA YUNG MGA NASA CANTEEN..ALALA KO CUTE YUNG SISTER NA NAGBEBENTA NG CRINKLES)
sa library may mabait at may masungit! trip namin noon pagtawanan ang mga pics sa year book yung tipong year kopong-kopong.-( HAHA..KIDS IN THE FAR FUTURE WILL BE DOING THAT TO US)
uso noon ang keep right at keep sma clean and green!- (HAY NAKU, DATI NALATE AKO…PINAPILA KAMI SA LABAS AT PINAGKUKUHA YUNG MGA ID NMIN…TPOS THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT BACK IS TO PICK GARBAGE SA QUADRANGLE..BAD TRIP)
dati check ng mga teachers ang lockers kung naguuwi ba ng gamit para mag-aral at gumawa ng assignments. gawain namin nakikilagay kmi ng gamit sa ibang sec. para kunwari naguuwi kmi ng books. mabigat ata magbitbit ng libro no!-( D TALAGA AKO NAGUUWI NG LIBRO…EWAN KO TALAGA PANO AKO NAKASURVIVE…HAY..BAWI NMAN AKO NGAYONG MED…LIMANG KILONG LIBRO DINADALA KO)
longsleeves ang uniform noon dapat parating nakabuttons. syemre makulit ang mga students walang sumunod. kya ngayon shortsleeves na cla. hehehe!- ( THANK GOD D PA MAINIT NUN..PERO MAS MAGANDA TIGNAN PAG LONG SLEEVES E)
c.a.t. la ring kwenta comedy pa kamo.- (ISANG MALAKING JOKE ITO)
talamak din noon ang mga tibo. ngayon kya?- (HAY, TAMA BA NMANG MGA GANITO MANLIGAW SAKIN AT HINDI LALAKI? WAAH!!!!)
ang intrams masaya!-(OO NMAN..INTERSECTION AT HINDI BY LEVEL ANG LABANAN!!! KAYA ASTIG!!! WE WOULD KILL EACH OTHER LALO NA PAG BASKETBALL)
fumigation masaya din kc lang pasok!- (HAY NAKU, HINDI MASAYA..KASI THEY WONT ANNOUNCE IT KUNG KAILAN TPOS IPAPAUWI NILA LAHAT NG LIBRO SA LOCKER!!! IT WAS A MAD SEARCH FOR PAPER BAGS AND PLASTIC BAGS..I WOULD ALWAYS STASH IT SA BAHAY NI JILLIAN KASI YUN YUNG PINAKAMALAPIT)
recollection at retreat pinakacool sa lahat kc sa labas ng school gigagawa.-(AY OO..SOBRA..MEGA BONDING)
fieldtrip minsan kc paulit-ulit ang mga pinupuntahan lalo na nung elementary days
namin. (E PAG HIGH SCHOOL NMAN CORNY TALAGA MGA FIELD TRIP E.)
experiments sa lab masaya din kc nakakagawa kami ng kalokohan dun. (HAHA OO NGA…SWERTE MO KUNG MAY ISANG MASIPAG NA GAGAWA NG EXPERIMENTS KAYA U CAN FOOL AROUND THE ENTIRE TIME..KASO I WAS A NERD NGA NUN KAYA AKO YUN FOR SA CLASSMATES KO)
homeroom masaya kc parang break time na rin yun.schedule b at short period lalong masaya kc maaga ang uwian hahaha!-(AYOKO NITO, KASI U STAY IN SCHOOL LONGER, TPOS WALA GINAWA YUNG ADVISER NMIN KUNG HINDI PAGALITAN KAMI)
Am I transparent? This week two people said they can see right through me- the very people I don’t exactly want to be emotionally naked to. Ewan ko, its good I guess. Means we have some sort of connection. Pero nman..wala lang. Haha. My eyes betray me. dati I can play a part so well, pretend that im not upset and im good in hiding whats goin on in my head. Ngayon isang tingin lang sa mga mata ko.… Wala na…im vulnerable. Haha.
Ive been cleaning the house..therapy ko. Pareho kami ng character na nandun sa mr. Write…or nasa almost married. Ano nga ba richelle? Its good that im goin out with friends…added distraction. Cecille arrived Tuesday evening kaya i got to have lunch with her sa greenhills with star circle batch 0.05 (antonette, reah,steve, andy, jr, josh). pati ive talking to old and new friends lately. Mamya alis kami ni richelle…baliwbaliwan ever. Ahh…at kagabi, I got to play matchmaker k rainier and jm. Good as sold na c pareng rainier!!! Haha
Naisip ko bigla, what in the world do I need therapy for?
Malala na ito. Im really losing it. The thing is, I really understood things. Dami ko pang tinatanong pero all it took was one sentence to knock sense into me. grabe from a very unexpected friend at a very unexpected time. Haha. Grabe, nagulat talaga ako dun. Grabe ka pare. haha O well, I just need some brain reformatting for a new mind set. Kaya ko yun. Si claire pa? Tough. haha
Monkeys!!! Hello mga mahal ko. Hehe.
Advertisement pala ulit: click kurlie’s songs sa links ko. Siya gumawa nun with friends. Astig…
Here’s some things I heard and thought about these days:
Warning: this might be a long one!!! hehehe
VIEWPOINT # 1: TO FIGHT BACK OR NOT?
Song that should be playing in your head when you read this: Survivor by Destiny’s Child
We were talking about being Christ-like sa cell group last Sunday, as it is one of the most effective way to witness to others, then someone mentioned something about fighting back sa mga tao that are not so nice to you. Naisip ko…I’ve been really outspoken about my dislike for certain persons this year. I felt like I should not let myself to have others say that about me, and I certainly wouldn’t let other people do painful things to people I really care about. Because of the experiences I have been through lately I have turned into a fighter. But that person who shared the topic in the cell group said that rather than defending ourselves to other people, we should lift it all up to God. Maybe that was what I lacked when I get hurt or offended. I lash out too early rather than pray. It should come first pala, to go through the next step…whether to really fight back or not. That way I dont end up involving other people and with a bigger mess. Maybe one certain monkey was right after all.
But any of you really want to hurt any of the people I love, I’ll hunt you down pa rin…
Song that should be playing in your head when you read this: Stop, Think by Aliyah Parcs
My source of insights would you believe, is Morning Girls (goes to show how productive I am this summer). Just when I stopped on thinking about it na (all about me being brave and trying to do what should be done), life is starting to drop these little hints na nman. Well, shoutout na rin ito sa lahat ng can relate (haha). Kanina Jm at 7am (ewan ko ba bakit sobrang aga!!!) texted me something:
A hurting heart is a loving heart. Don’t hold back on love just because you’ve been hurt before. What matters is that you have loved.
Ewan ko nga ba, Jm. Swak ba sakin ito at pinadala mo? O well, youre an angel (an angel but not a monkey!!!). haha. And there goes an end to my qualms on relationships. For weeks now ive been shoving angst on your faces about realtionships. Pero I think I’m finally over them and now appreciating the beautiful side of being inlove. I look at mia and melo and I smile because they really blossomed and are happy. I don’t want to disillusion or drag anyone down because love is a wonderful feeling. I’m sure most of us have experienced that at one time or another. Yun nga lang, some doesn’t stay for certain reasons. Pero as francesca garcia-d ko alam spelling ng pangalan niya!- said kanina (I don’t even know why I’m qouting her. I find her whiny and …hehe quiet na nga ako), u should never be afraid to love kahit na you been hurt. Kasi you’re depriving yourself of one of the greatest feelings. Yun nga lang, you have to be wiser and pray real hard to seek God’s favor and will. Sabi rin ni alex de rossi (mga sources of wisdom ko talaga!!), na broken relationships are not the end, but the start of a better you. True nman, db?I am now a better, supersexier me. Haha!!!
I’ll try not to hate men anymore (after all, three of my best loved persons are guys).
Song that should be playing in your head when you read this : Next in Line by After Image
Melo and I were talking about it kagabi after the get-together sa pinakaliblib na lugar ng
Anyway, we started discussing about med and how hard it is. And we were looking way into the future, about kung nakanino talaga yung pressure when it comes to earning money sa family. And I realized, talagang tumatanda na kami. Hindi na sa mga
Yun lang..pahabol. will someone download for me stop, think by aliyah parcs? Chenks. =)
What happens when someone breaks your heart?
When someone breaks your heart, first you are shocked. Some say you are heartbroken and you examine the words break and heart and heartbroken and you immediately decide that its inaccurate. You feel pain in the region of your heart and you think that it’s your heart that’s breaking but one’s heart does not really break, something else does-FAITH.
YOU STOP BELIEVING.
No, not in the big things. You still believe in God, you still believe that child prostitution is bad. You just stop believing in the small things you do, the small things that give meaning to your daily life, and you begin to think that everything is pointless: Why get up? Why dress up? What for? What for?
When someone breaks your heart (your faith), you stop believing and you switch off the lights inside your heart. Someone is home but that someone is lying in the dark, in the room farthest from the gate, and that someone cant hear anything. Friends, parents, they call out to her from the gate (“Come out” which means “Move on”) but they are unheard, unseen, unacknowledged.
When someone breaks your heart, you turn into a small ball of self pity. You lie in bed, in a ball. You hug your knees, keeping them close to your chest, like a fetus. Freud said it’s human instinct to go back to the womb where we can feel safe.
But that’s what happens when someone breaks your heart-they steal the very thing that makes you feel safe, whole, intact.
Claire: As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes that is exactly how I feel. That is no way for you to think, you would say. Ive been through a lot, most of you know that, and I claim responsibility for everything that I did. I do not entirely blame others for experiences, or curse fate for being so unkind. But nevertheless I still cannot understand some things, and the idea of happily ever after diminishes with each passing failure. Now, I am often on the tips of my toes, alert, wary of anyone who would try to convince me otherwise, that though everything is perfect, I would still think and say…I might get hurt still (enter code red’s what good is a heart).
But when someone shines a flicker of hope in my direction, I find myself thinking…real hard. I have called on all the powers of logic and sense in the cosmic universe. I am hopeful, but scared. I have long concluded that there is no certainty with such matters, and I may not be prepared to let down my guard and set myself to be vulnerable. The possibility of a fresh round of pain. I am almost anticipating the end…the change of wind direction. I cringe at the thought of change. I am scared to death.
I know that in spite of this I will wait quietly, patiently and exhaust whatever faith I may still have in something so confusing. Praying that good sense will neither assure me and lift me up, or knock me down. A new experience, a new journey, begins…
Buti nlang 4 lang ang cosmo books or I might go mad. Hehehe
took the early morning service kasi i have to accompany my mom sa office. i turned on one computer and its now blasting Yeah by usher while i type away. balik ako ulit sa church later for my cell group, and maybe a little meeting about the summer retreat. donnie is going to be there, i think. new addition to the group. to tell you the truth, i dont know if im comfortable with it, kasi it seems a little too intimate for comfort. were going to be talking about our lives, feelings and spirituality, and it doesnt feel okay for me to say them in front of him. i have built an emotional wall around myself. but i know God's grace will be enough to surpass that, and maybe we will finally fix things. hmm...then after nun, i hope to see my super buff and athletic monkeys play basketball, and bond with my mia babes (hati na tyo melo ha?). hehe...wala lang, that's my day plan for a sunny sunday like this....
nga pala...pahabol. gonna get my first haircut in almost half a year in a little while. no drastic changes though, baka just a little trim here and a bit of side layers there. pati magpapasukat na ako for my new uniform (v-neck baby!!! yes, mgmumukha na akong respetadong medical student) i was talking to jeremy kagabi and it was a part of our musings. hairstyles and what looks good etc. i sometimes wonder if i talk like a boy to the boys or if they talk like a girl to me. basta, u get my point. i also have guy friend who i talk to about my accesories (i love it when he compliments them), go window shopping with, and discuss the F show. haha. i should think of a term for that-a counterpart of the one of the boys cliche.
another week has passed..bilis no. i was at home most of the time. patabaing baboy lang. ive read lots of books that had nothing to do with med. talked with old friends (i got bitten by the telebabad bug again...hotline na nman fone d2), at siyempre loads of time sa friendster. summer is closing down on me..but im satisfied with it so far. pero i still miss my monkeys. hay, funny what closed spaces like being inside the house can do to you. well, thought things through and im much less frustrated now. i am so back i think. hehe...richelle and i would have to think of other topics to talk about.
I followed Richelle’s advice and read Drama Queen by Abi Aquino last (my last hurrah on the Cosmo series). I agree that it was the best, but heck, it struck me through and through. Parang it was screaming, claire ikaw to e, iniba ba lang yung character description. Pero ikaw yan. Tignan mo, martyr din. Arrgh!!! I could see myself vividly in the story (set in
It was as if these books have placed a spell on me, talking about cynicism and then at the end of it, well, it felt like it was tapping me on the shoulder and saying, it wouldn’t be so bad after all. It boosted my angst on relationships to five times its size. Bwiset. Now I have to do some soul searching to bring back that happy, life is so good attitude ive been carrying around most of the time (or a front in others). Call me crazy but while I was reading it I just started crying and was frozen with paranoia. Yes, please call me crazy. Tie me up, if you must. The last time I did that nonsense crying was over some tagalog love story sa cinema one. I was dramatically pouring tears and texting my monkeys to stop me from going insane. But at that time I was curing a broken heart. Now all ive got to show for is a sick mind.
Okay, so wants to be friends with me now? Hehe
I think guys would be repelled with the kind of entries I write these days. Claire controlled by books that she wouldn’t even recommend to younger girls. Claire is painfully analyzing each detail na para bang wala na ibang importante kundi ang …alam nyo na. Claire is extremely dramatic-to the point na nakakainis na. Claire drones paragraph after paragraph about stuff na wala nmang sense. So much for attracting men.
But I have to. My journal has become my silent friend that would listen to anything my mind speaks of. I pour out my heart (well, part of it at least, with tons of censorship) on it for hours and pages on end. it is not judgmental or biased. And I need that. Most of the time.
Last Tuesday night wasn’t exactly the most favorable time and event to do a high school reunion, but nonetheless everybody came. People I haven’t seen for the longest time. I was happy for a lot of reasons (although this is bitterly ironic as it was after all..my classmate’s dad’s wake). My angels were complete. Everyone was throwing around old jokes and nicknames. It was nostalgic. It felt like being in our classroom, waiting for the next subject, except that half of the boys were two times their former size, and girls would probably talk about their kids. Everybody was everybody’s friend (although I do have an exception, 2 in fact, some ex-lovers and me still being irritated to a certain fat guy). I kept on hearing things like, “kamusta ka na?”, “san ka na nagwowork?”, “e db nung high school…” then add a situation where everybody can relate to and will sent us on a memory lane joyride, at ang bestseller na, “uy, pare tumaba ka”. Oh, and lets not forget the flying ipis incident-where a few cockroaches can sent an entire group of near adults ( guys included) into a screaming and mad frenzy. But still, it was wonderful to live in a place where everyone was within a mere kilometer of each other, that at times like this everyone would just gather and pick up where we left off. I was only with them for two years, but still it felt ive been with them forever.
im back from my runaway vacation again. wala lang, just missed blogging. so many things going through my mind ryt now...but i cant just write and post pag dun ako sa antipolo. there's this really annoying script error that i cant fix, so i have to beg someone to post it for me and give them this wide range of instructions. but i really want to scream my thoughts ryt now. its a mess. hay...Lord. what? why? how?
what's new? new friends...new reunited friends...and a hopeful something.im scared to death, i tell you.
I’m just a little bit of crazy
I’m a little bit of a fool
I’m a little bit of lonely
I’m a little bit of all
Oh, I need a cure
Just a little bit of you
And I would fall…
Ewan ko lang talaga. This is one of those moments na wala ka nman ibang magagwa kung hindi magisip ng magisip. Arrrgh. Crazy thoughts in my head. I don’t even know what this situation is. Another one of my semi-confused moments which would eventually blow over? Just something I’m making a big deal of but just in the process of self denial? Or is it one of those turn of the times, make or break moments where I choose what to make out of things? Too premature, I think. Or maybe I really have to decide. Wala… cant answer any of these questions. And no one can anyway.
Hindi ko kasi alam kung nasan talaga ako. Im like some product in the supermarket that has no label so I cant be placed in the proper shelf. I don’t know what should be expected of me, what I should give. And most of all, I don’t know what to expect. Most of the time I don’t know if im overly cautious or just right or going too far. I live in the paranoia that people are thinking about me na nagfefeeling ako, because I say this or I do that that is completely not normal for certain friendships. Sometimes I don’t know if someone is just waiting for me to screw up so that they would claim victory over it. A point for them and against me. Is this what it is? A competition for someone’s affection? I don’t like the feeling that situations are happening that would cause me to think smugly, ahh…I have the advantage. Bad thoughts. Why cant I just enjoy certain friendships without pipol looking over my shoulder and commenting this and that, forming assumptions about me and me likewise to pipol I havnt even met? That is so not like me.
It gets more confusing. I suddenly got tired of dodging issues and answering vaguely. Mahirap. Feeling ko sometime a girl ( or girls) will suddenly pull my hair and freak out about certain things. I cant live like that. I cant just sit and forever think of the things I just wrote about earlier. You can only be like that for certain period. I don’t what will happen after that. hay…isip lang ng isip. Nakakainis.
From the Breakup Diaries by Maya Calica ( iv got the whole cosmo book line courtesy my good friend, Richelle Bergonia)
February 21, 8:40 p.m.
Do u realize the word “men” is at start of words like “menace”, “mental”, and “menial”? and when spelled backwards (for that is what most men are like, anyway) they form half of “enemy” and “nemesis”?
No wonder they cause so much pain.
Claire: Obviously my concept of men has been distorted- temporary lang sana. With a few exceptions ( a few existing rare good male species), I now find it hard to accept that men are not the enemy-for me at least. Wala lang. I speak from my own experience of course, and my lack of good judgment in it. And I speak maybe for certain people that still cannot understand the world of relationships and men.
Sometimes I speak of the theory I have formulated that I am too nice. And that’s not what men want. They want to be kept on their toes. They want women who are unpredictable and will drive them off the wall. They want mystery and adventure. They long for the pursuit. They want something extraordinary.
I am, on the other hand, a Plain Jane. I don’t stand out in the crowd. I am not the life of the party, or the center of a grand social circle. I am domestic, with the occasional urge to go out and bond quietly with friends. I am transparent through and through. I don’t have much mystery in me, much less excitement. I am comfortable, predictable. I am patient, understanding, and forgiving. I am friendly, too friendly in fact. CLAIRE, YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, is a frequent comment, and most of the time it ends there.
My question is: Why do nice girls end up crushed in relationships? Or is it particularly me and my wrong decisions. I know this entry is so unlike me. You always see certain strength and willpower in most of my writings. But now just a thought: if im nice, the universe ought to grant me a favor and let fate be nice to me too. Not to get hurt or be abused or be treated like crap. hmm… doesn’t seem to come to that, huh? Maybe God is letting be a diamond in the rough. Just hope ill shine through.
Who will prove me wrong? I’m challenging that someone somewhere in the universe.
True love, are you out there? What’s taking you so long?
- with the looking at the stars effect. Sheesh claire, what in the world has come over you….
Got this from a bulletin that piem posted sa friendster. Sige na, ibubuking ko na ang sarili ko, tutal mga friends ko nman kayo and you’ll accept me for what I am, right (haha!!)? my high school friends will enjoy reading this.
MY TRIP TO THE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY LANE:
1. NICKNAMES IN HIGH SCHOOL?
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: ipis (ito bestseller. Pano I was really small and have an even smaller voice. O well, its an unspoken rule that to exist in la salle you have to have some disgusting nickname. Well, that was what I got), zombie(this was because of a horrifying battle of the bands incident-which luckily not all of my classmates got to see and my still existing friends are merciful enough not to mention.)
ST. MARY’S ACADEMY: fudge (I don’t know what in the world came over me. It was just something I invented. Heck, I even had calling cards made for that. total insanity. At least I wasn’t alone. My other classmates thought of names too. Hehe at least in my moments of craziness I was still a trendsetter), cakes (ahh…first love…hehe)
2. SPORTS YOU WERE INTO?
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: wala. Although I did remember some wise guy listed me for chess (si julius lucas yata yun!!!) nung intrams. And I didn’t know chess…
ST MARY’S ACADEMY: I was considered a nerd then. So nobody thought I was athletic. But I do give a mean cheer sa class namin pag intrams. And well, john paul was a varsity volleyball player ( here we go…)
3. HAD A BARKADA? HOW MANY WERE YOU?
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: I really don’t know. Our class was like one whole barkada. And being the Ms. Friendship that I am, that meant I hung out with everybody throughout the day. Let’s see. My first friend was evita because we have the same school bus together. Tpos nakasama ako sa trio with rae anne and candy(ito yata yung pinaconcrete na masasabi kong group of friends-kasi we use to hang around in each other’s house, go out, and pester people..fred suki namin!!!!). and then naging close kami ni ollah, and we called each other best friends, and somehow I drifted into their barkada. I was also really close to karla (kain tyo sa mcdo sa may simbahan? And ohh…I love devon sawa!!! Hahaha!!!), si px (jon!!!!!-sabay sabunot!!!), rhea (may sarili kaming lingo na hindi ko na rin maintindhan hanggang ngayon). Pero sa loob ng classroom mga partners in crime ko si richelle and anne (di na ako magkukwento..too much for public notice!!!) Ay, lets not forget nikki. I claimed ownership sa kanyang tinidor at consistently ate half of her lunch.
Sa mga guys, I can remember two guys that I was really close to. Michael Cembrano, na para ko talagang kuya. One of the most touching moments was when he gave me a despedida sa when I left la salle in second year. Tpos we would really talk sa phone and he would call me kahit nasa makati ako. The other one was Archie Alvarez. The la salle boys have a flair for the dramatic (db monkeys?) pero nanguna si archie dun. I was his confidante. And he gave a really touching message sa slum book ko..hehe
ST MARY’S ACADEMY: sections were shuffled every year, so it was hard to keep friends. And I was the new girl in school pa. My super friend there was anne gozos. I remembered she cried with me when I got my heart broken the first time. Tpos the ultimate prom barkada was jacq caceres, jillian jongco, analyn jose, and rea manuel. Rea is my soul sister sa SMA ( may picture siya somewhere in the journal archives). Tpos nung fourth year, si leslie contreras.
4. BEST SUBJECT?
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: religion, I think. Basta mr. Rule would give these little quiz bees and since im a veteran sa Sunday school, panalo palagi!!!
ST MARY’S ACADEMY: english. Always best in english mentionee sa class…yahoo!!! Those were the days…
5. WORST SUBJECT?
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: technical drawing…they were always a mess. Siyempre bili nlang k richard marinas or pagawa kay briliant miranda.
ST MARYS ACADEMY: math…wala talaga akong pasensya dun e. ewan ko nga ba kung bakit ko napasa yun.
6. A TEACHER YOU OWE LIFE LESSONS TO?
My third year adviser..Mrs. Ong. She really spent time with us discussing things like careers, marriages, meron pa nga kaming prom tips (like how to act, what to do sa beauty emergencies…etc). she spoke from her own experience, and she was like a mom. Actually, she reminded me of my mom.
7. A TEACHER YOU WANNA KICK IN THE ASS FROM HIGH
SCHOOL?
Wala yata. Or there were just too many that I cant pick who
8. FRESHMAN YEAR:
haha. New set of pipol. First time out of an exclusive school. Mabait pa yata ako nito. Ahh!!! May naalala ako. Field trip nun sa subic, tpos pauwi na kami. Nandun ako sa pinakalikod na row, tpos niloloko ako ni jon k voltaire. Nagalit ako k jon and stared out into the next car’s headlights for a full hour. Pati yung nakapatay na yung ilaw, niloko ni elwood si anne. Nagwala ang loka.
9. SOPHOMORE YEAR:
ito sobrang daming memories. Nagkalat ako sa battle of the bands. Binato ako ni fred ng basahan. Mga outreaches sa kuya drop in center at dun sa elementary school malapit sa la salle. Nahihingi ako ng pambili ng eskimo roll sa mga upper classmen. Pumupunta kami sa la salle heights para bumili ng fishballs at pizza squares. Nauso ang giordano classics at benneton sneakers. Nalink ako k briliant. Nagmeet kami ni michael sa mcdo para pumunta sa overnight recollection sa st. michael’s. bagyo pa nga yun e. despedida sa callos. dami pa e…
10. JUNIOR YEAR:
new girl sa school. Fell inlove (haha!!!). siyempre prom. Nerd ako nito e, very competitive sa grades (o inis lang ako k ranillo kasi know it all). E ano kung top 1 sya at ako ay second lang. Kinontrata ko yun top 3 nmin, nagaral kami to the max para mapataob ang administration.
11.SENIOR YEAR:
prom ulit. Pati in a panic mode kasi d ko alam kung san ako magcollege. gOt my heart broken, and went for a rebound. Got a pager yata. Ahh..pati SAYAWIT competition ( there’s a kind of hush, all over the world).
12. YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS?
Anne gozos
13. YOUR WORST FRIEND WAS?
Haha..lets not mention names
14. CAFETERIA FOOD SUCKED?
Okay nman. Sa la salle empanada n brownies forever. Tpos sa maria, the best ang mango shake.
15. MOST HILARIOUS SCHOOL RULE?
skirts should be 2 inches below the
knee. Hello? Can you say chicken legs?
16. WORE UNIFORMS?
Yup.
17. HOW WAS THE PROM?
Haha. My dates may be reading this so I have to be nice. Sa school lang kaya medjo nyak, pero I had fun cause I was with friends. Pero I really didn’t have a figure then kaya my gowns were kinda loose. And with sleeves and shoulder pads!!!! Yaaakkk!!! But my date didn’t seem to think so. I felt very pretty that night.
18. WHO WAS PROM KING AND QUEEN?
Sheryl Lacia yata
19. ANY ACHIEVEMENTS?
I won sa spelling bee sa la salle (I was up against aaron cortes!!! Haha!!). mga essay writing contests sa st marys. Pati I received a certificate every quarter for being one of the top three sa class (hehe pagdating ng college?)
20. WERE YOU POPULAR?
Feeling lang yata…hehe
21. BEST SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF HIGH SCHOOL?
Dami!!!
LA SALLE ANTIPOLO: paglisan by color it red, lahat ng usong kanta nun ng river maya (ulan, 214), introvoys (line to heaven), ano ngang name ng band ni elly buendia? Eraseheads!!! Basta yung with a smile… etc. tell me where it hurts ni kathy tricolli pati colors of the wind (naririnig ko pang kinakanta ni jonathan tauro!!) pati selfish, waterfalls, basta yung mga sinasayaw nila evita. At o cge na, ode to my family and zombie by cranberries.
ST MARYS ACADEMY: yung mga lumang senti (sad to belong, what matters most, till I met you), mariah carey fanatic ako nito (daydream album)
22. UNFORGETTABLE HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?
…ay naku…alam nilang lahat kung cno ( nakakaloka. I have journal after journal about the guy. Yung tipong, pinansin niya ako, ngumiti siya…ay sus..richelle ano ba yan!!!! Haha!!!!). first class crush ko? Hanapin niyo sa mga testi na sinulat ko!!!
23. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
Still gotta be the battle of the bands incident!!!! Waahhh!!!
24. MEMORY YOU'D LIKE TO FORGET ABOUT HIGH
SCHOOL?
Wala nman
25. BEST MEMORY?
La salle years…
26. ANY REGRETS?
Wla nman…sana I made my skirts longer. Sana d rin ako nagrebound.
27. WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR "FUTURE CHILD" TO ATTEND
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL?
Sa st marys siguro
28. WERE THE BATHROOMS CLEAN?
Sa la salle noooo!!!!!! Sa maria ok lang
30. LYRICS THAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR HIGH
SCHOOL LIFE:
The pop of the cork and the cling of the glasses..we toast to the future and we drink to be past…it might not be easy but nevertheless these are the best days of our lives….woohoo!!!
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