in limbo

praning. praning. im so praning. psychiatry calls it delusions of persecution. hmm... here's what im going to tell myself, that i'm not going to let other people affect me so much. ito lang kasi...hehe shoutout lang ito sa aking praning illusions which may really not exist. life is not one pattern for everyone. i am a countercurrent. i bend but i dont break. i am not afraid to commit mistakes but it doesnt mean im not going through steps to prevent them. God has been faithful all these years. He has a great plan for me and il bet my life on it (which by the way, is owned by God too). maybe we dont see life the way He does does. never shake ur head and conclude. mountains move and the wind changes, you know. things are not always what they appear to be.

 

posted by: cleng at August 30, 2004 10:39 | link | comments (2) |

my thoughts and writing have measured down into snippets. i have temporarily lost the ability to drone on and on about my life in endless paragraphs. hehe o well, havent got much to rant about kasi e. only that i miss my friends and i feel guilty not being able to fit them in (at times). its like your social circle and the things you want to do is expanding rapidly, but the demands of your impending career is caving in. hehe forgive me dear people that i love and who loves me (hopefully). i do wish to stop by and chat (honest!!!). and il try to one of these days. basta dont stop checking up on me ha? im perfectly and blissfully ok. oh, and did i mention im EXTREMELY LOVED? (answer to the last question: yes, claire. a thousand and one times.)

posted by: cleng at August 29, 2004 01:30 | link | comments (1) |

yesterday i had the wonderful chance of making someone happy, someone i really wished would be. no one ever told me that my mere existence makes them happy. made me cry. i have done so little but the impact was so much. i never felt that. i was never appreciated that much. made me cry. im so overemotional nowdays. phrases and one liners make me cry. hay, the power of emotions. claire is officially a crybaby. but better i cry over that rather than something else d b?

posted by: cleng at August 29, 2004 01:16 | link | comments (1) |

surgeon. interesting? yes. cool to take if youre a doctor? yes. something i wanna be? no. i find it hard to figure out why. my facilitator in surgery 2 is a girl, the first woman surgeon i met so far. i think its way out of this world cool for her to be one. galing e. but the thought of me becoming one doesnt appeal to me. i think i will let someone else be that while i become one of the most kikay and gorgeous nephrologist in the philippine medical field. why im so interested in something that involves a thousand lab values, my friends dont understand.i dont either. but i love it. might not be as glamorous as the other specializations may entail...i wouldent care less. hehe

posted by: cleng at August 29, 2004 01:05 | link | comments |

what im loving now: my spiderman tumblers from kfc. i mix nescafe ice in them and put them the freezer. it is a med student/caffeine addict indulgence.

speaking of.... there's something about the thought of being extremely loved that makes me tingle all over. more than one person already told me that my title for my journal suits the feeling...sparkling eyes and goofy smiles. if you have seen me lately, i embody my journal title. it's rose colored glasses and bright rays of sunshine, while your feet rests on solid round. whoever thought that was possible? how can i afford to smile even when the weight of my med school work presses me down (literally and figuratively)? how can i find joy in such, little, ordinary things just because life suddenly takes on a whole new form. it's heightened emotions-supersensivity to happiness. you are suddenly so aware of the joy of life.

posted by: cleng at August 23, 2004 07:46 | link | comments (1) |

2004-08-14 - 9:21p.m.

It's a saturday night. its pouring rain outside and i suddenly have the urge to write. i havnt done this sort of thing for a very long time, to actually think, write and not worry of having to put off something more important. our psychiatry module just ended last friday, thank God, so its a whole weekend to ourselves before we jump into the trauma and critical care module.

hmm...just sitting here thinking, and thinking, and thinking. funny how im at a loss of what to write about.

i feel so..content. like everything is in its place. funny how it feels like everything is "settling down". i dont know if you remember high school science, but there's this term called decantation, where you let all the solids in a solution settle to the bottom. well, its sort of like that. and i like it. i like the feeling of stability. because as you all must know, my life the past knew months have been a mad rush of the unexpected, of sourching that sometimes turned out to be a wild goose chase. my life had been a swirling mess, with tons of sarcasm and angst as reflected by a journals.

but i think as each of us a growing (add the word old in a hushed tone), our perspective of life evolves in amazing and surprising ways. i know i have a long way to go to act like ive been through so much, but what ive learned so far is not conclude anyything at any point in life. never say that ul never gonna make it and that ur life will forever be like what it is now, because whe you least expect it, life is going to hand you a lot more surprise than you can handle. then it will look at you in the eye, smirk and say, kala mo hanggang dyan lang ha. i love how God designed life- totally unpredictable. that's why He gave us a wide range of emotions and different kinds of people, to add spice to this ever changing template called life.so i guess that's the reason why my entries are a jumble, of emotions, situations, and different ways how i respond to them.

i love my life now. i can say that much.

posted by: cleng at August 16, 2004 09:55 | link | comments |

i am now right smack in the middle of my one week vacation away from med. ewan ko ba, lahat kami feeling nmin semi sem break ito. i havent studied yet for my modulars which is only three days away. hay, i think the nerd role is slowly slipping off me.

i was on my first ever med misssion last sunday. it was quite the experience. ok na sana. i was all excited kaso that saturday, i was struck with stomachache. i think i was taught a lesson because the night before that, i stuffed myself crazy sa DADs with all the food i could possibly eat. imagine me wolfing down two plates of sushi, a plate of paella, and a large bowl of dessert. ay grabedoods. but i survived sunday though. it was tiring, but fun. funny how i never get to join any of our church med missions. o well, inevitable nman yun e.

i wonder how my friends are doin? miss you guys.

posted by: cleng at August 10, 2004 07:58 | link | comments |

paranoid. one day my being praning will get me in trouble.

claire,

people are different. contrary to the popular fable that certain species have common negative denominators, there are always rare exceptions. maybe claire, by some form of a miracle, you have stumbled upon this gift. keep it. appreciate it. thank the heavens and every positive force in this earth that might have brought about this phenomena. dont drive it away. dont push. hold on to it by your dear might. dont ask to be reassured too much by asking such annoying questions. dont spite it. be nice. reciprocate. if you feel happy and loved, let it shine!!!

settle your issues. there are still ghosts in your closet, you are well aware of that. get over it. they would not care if in this certain time you are happy, they will pop up in your life whenever they please. they would not care if will get annoyed or not. pray, o gorgeous one. pray hard. that God will give you the grace to forgive and to bury what needs to be buried. to find the peace that when someone digs it up, you can go about the old familiar story without the slightest hint of remorse, guilt, hatred, regret, or feeling that you want to empty your guts. accept that in life people go through mistakes. basta next time, think rationally and act more cautiously. but more importantly, be free.

enjoy your special moments. what most people have been looking for their entire lives is now in your hands. what you have dreamed of, what you have found yourself lacking in the past is now just a hand reach away. give thanks to God for your answered prayers. He has been good and faithful.

go on. feel special.

posted by: cleng at August 03, 2004 15:21 | link | comments |

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