in limbo

finally, the chance to write in my blog again. hehe

what ive learned lately...

its easy to feel insignificant and worthless in other people's eyes. finding your importance however, requires a lot of assurance and with a lot of effort from other people to make you feel loved. but in reality...your worth is right there inside you. qouting pastor chad's sermon last sunday "you can find the good in things if you dont look for it". people can make you feel bad only if you let them. you seem insignicant beacuse you let yourself to think that you are. but the real score is, that you're more than blessed because you have more love than you can handle.

last week was my inarte week..which in some ways excusable for me. nasanay ako to be the focus of somebody's attention, and i'm afraid that has become my basis for gauging if im still loved or not. i have launched into a series of hissy fits, knowing perfectly that things are the way they are for the right reasons. but i cant be convinced otherwise. i have chosen to make myself and that person miserable (o, tama spelling ko ha!!! wahaha!!!) kahat na that should not be the case. bad me.

buti nlang i was shaken up. allow me to enumerate:

1. i have dear friends who would patiently hear me vent over and over and over, while repeating that im thinking too much over and over (special thanks to my dude ronnie, christel a.k.a bilateral hematoma, jamie, and the D10 girls ko)

2. i have come to a conclusion that i spend to much time watching drama whatevers (umiiyak ako sa hiram, sa my first romance). because of that i have magnified everything into an exaggerated and OA perpective

3. i am constantly nakatanga, wallowing in my turbid pool of self pity ( my kawawa ka nman, you dont deserve this moments), when i could spend time with my family and friends nman. kaya nman proactive na nman ang aking social circle

4. i have the most patient person in the world (mega timpi kahit na super toxic na ang kanyang mundo). hehe

and i finally learned that everything is ok because i allow myself to see that way...

posted by: cleng at September 28, 2004 12:15 | link | comments |

who d hell posted that last entry? hindi ako yun. grrr...nakakapikon ha. hindi talaga ako. pambihirang patis. whoever did that is invading major privacy, and im far from pleased...

posted by: cleng at September 14, 2004 07:40 | link | comments (1) |

I need other women's opinions on something. I get weird urges sometimes. Is this normal behavior? For example I love to stay out all night during a full moon, howling and acting crazy. On several occasions I can't even remember what I did all night or where I have been, and the strangest thing is when I find myself back home, often my clothes will have rips or stains on them that I cannot identify. Should I seek help? Are there any other women out there with this problem? Please reply!!!

posted by: cleng at September 13, 2004 15:32 | link | comments |

monday morning. m back sa school kahit la nman pasok. m doin all i can to keep myself from staying home and sleeping all day. tomorrow kasi is our modulars for truma and critical care. wala pa sa one fourth ang narereview ko ulit. pero super ok lang.

had my second medical missions the whole weekend. it took place sa batangas, this time with a bigger group, a longer stay, and a lot more patients.ksama nmin mga dominican priests n doctors from UP. toxic, takot ako kasi feeling ko wala akong alam. my first medical mission was nothing compared to this. we had almost 3000 patients, and i was all tired from thinking during the medical consultations. i think i was dumbfounded at certain points na tipong kung ano ano nlang ang pinagsasabi ko (kaya claire, study harder!!!) buti nlang i transferred to surgery during the middle of the day. that was a lot more exciting. marunong na akong magtuli!!! yahoo!!! note to those who want to have it done: contact me...hehe pero iba nlang papagawin ko..hehe. i was also able to assist dra. angie during a cystectomy operation (big word, huh?...kaya feeling ako talaga!!!!). fun, pero super tiring. mukha na akong basahan at the end of the day.

at yahoo!!! may bonus pa kami!!!! turns out Globe telecoms pala ang sponsor namin and we got free shirts and load (300 peso callcard....na super yehey talaga sakin!!!!). hehe yun lang.

things are okay now. i just wasnt used to some things kaya mega cry ako. at least no, alam ko na what to do next time.

posted by: cleng at September 13, 2004 12:23 | link | comments |

i just finished letting out a good cry. i turned on the computer because i want to post something i read in a book but it turned out differently.

things are not perfect.

i know that. its a line i hear every once in a while. but i am at fault on sometimes believing that things are that way. i try so hard to make them that way. i realized that i have to let things slip from time to time. they do not mean that something is terribly wrong, but rather it is a reminder that life is normal as it is, having little not-so-good moments here and there.

i act like a baby sometimes, acting like some self absorbed brat that expects people to be at her beck and call. not realizing that i step on peoples own needs. what pains me more is that its ok for them, just because they love me and they want to make me happy. sometimes i am blinded seeing myself up on a pedestal that i fail to look into people's eyes and see the sadness behind their smiles.

i am so sori for taking people for granted. i am so sori that i made people feel that what they are doing isnt enough. that they have to keep trying and trying to please me unselfishly. i promise to keep myself in check and try to take care of other people. to try to get out  of my little claire world and show people how much i love them by listening and feeling. sometimes. even leaving for awhile.

i hope i dont suffocate and choke certain things.

things will get better.

this is just one small bump on the road. everyone wishes for a smooth ride, but things would never be fun and meaningful that way.

thank you for making me realize that.

here comes a fresh round of tears.

posted by: cleng at September 10, 2004 02:22 | link | comments (1) |

just finished my oh- so difficult second long exam in trauma and critical care (believe me, im exaggerating). things have been pretty crazy these days, labo kasi ng module na ito e.

met new friends d2 sa motime. its fun how other people you dont know are interested in my entries. fun reading other people's journals too. they have these metaphors and analogies that leave u hmm... hehe, speaking of sneaking into other people entries. i have read something new in someone's journal. hehe wala akong sinasabing comment ha. wala lang. wala lang. wala lang. hehe funny kasi e.

labo mo claire. at least hapi ako...chonx!!!

posted by: cleng at September 09, 2004 13:54 | link | comments |

im so proud of my site counter. my journal has been visited over 11,000 times in the past 10 months or so. a lot of people shared my experiences, shared my frustration when im mad, encouraged and calmed me in my states of panic, dropped by to say hi, made constructive comments when i write something that's not good, laughed with me when i act silly (or write funny), had kilig moments and fell inlove with the thought of love, got to know the lives of my other friends through my links, knew what good movies to watch through my reviews, knew what its like for me to get angry, discovered that claire loves to write, that claire loves God and more. i know i will evolve into a million more ways (now that sounds scary..hehe), and i hope that as those moments come, you'll still be here to share that with me.

posted by: cleng at September 05, 2004 00:39 | link | comments (2) |

does any of you know the book choose your own adventure? it gives a preliminary situation and the gives you options. if you want to choose this, turn to page 10. if you want otherwise, turn to page 47. if you dont like your ending, (like getting eaten by a large squid or be abducted by aliens) you can always go back and change your choice. but life isnt like that. you cant go back and change your decisions, you just have to keep going and either learn from your mistakes or keep making more. usually it's a the mixture of the good and bad. you just have keep trying to do everything right. but life can be less scary if you hold on to God and certain people that loves you. cause in everything that is temporary, they will never change. that way life is a daring adventure where you bravely go through each challenge instead of focusing on dodging every uncomfortabe situation. life is fun..let it be that way.

posted by: cleng at September 05, 2004 00:10 | link | comments |

i know i have taken the road less travelled. hmm..i think its rather the road most travelled but has so little success. the not so ideal way to go. but im willing to take the risk. im holding out every inch of my faith in my brave venture. its really worth it. today was a perfect day. it was comfortable and felt so right. it was what i have always dreamed of. grabe, fairy tales do come true.

posted by: cleng at September 04, 2004 23:56 | link | comments |

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