in limbo

what i'm loving now:

1. my handsome

2. my jeweled butterfly clamp that i bought from quiapo

3. my sylvester travel mug

4. my lola jm. reminded me that christian friends rock!!!

5. my joss stone cds courtesy of macho man sam padla

4. dra corenel, my sgt facilitator in integrated 2 module on fever. that intimidating facade..nakakaloko ha!!! hehe learned a lot from her

5. chocolate sansrival

6. looking at pictures and smiling at what i can remember about them

7. being able to go to the hospital chapel in the morning and pray

8. my power subsec..start na kaming magbond...over food

9. my customized T630 theme

...little blessings really go a long way

posted by: cleng at January 28, 2005 21:10 | link | comments |

the year has just opened up, and very sadly the last christmas vacation as a student ends. but not with a saturday night typing away in the computer, like what i used to do before, just sitting and thinking and thinking. a lot of things happened in 2004, too many in fact. some tragic like tsunamis and flash floods, some simple and outrightly amazing like falling inlove and getting through the last few semesters in med school.

 

so allow me to think back and write what would be the longest entry of the year, and most probably one of the very few that you might encounter in the days to follow. when monday hits il be swarmed by distractions and responsibilities, and i might not have enough time to talk to myself and hear myself think, much more put it in writing.

 

this particular year has been outrageously unpredictable, with all the ups and downs in my life, not to mention the country. though you try hard not to jump into the depressive disaster badwagon, just keeps rolling by you. these days its very easy to fall into the deep pit of depression. apparently it has grown much bigger. but as i sit here, i know that im still doing great, and everybody, in whatever state they are, whether better or worse than i am right now, is hanging on to life, finding hope in it, winning little or big victories, and surviving in the best way they can. resilience is a gift, and to those who possess it, be grateful and thank God for creating you into such a person. storms have passed through me many times, as evident in my journal, although sometimes you might think of them as silly. but they shaped me and molded me through the years, and every tear that fell from my eyes was well worth it. God knew what He was doing everything i wanted to scream at Him "why are you putting me through this?". i bet He just smiled in the heavens and said, "you'll see, my sexy, gorgeous daughter" (although i did exagerate a little). HHAAAYY...we often say HAY no? at least i did. i guess its my way of saying, life can be so hard, but il have to stick by it. ive always thanked a lot of people and God in this journal for pulling me through from time to time, and i know that at this point i can say that im a lot stronger than what i expected myself to be. sure, i made decisions that most of you hated, i went in and gotten myself hurt and disappointed, but hey, im still here. still trying, still testing the waters of the vast ocean of life. i may not be adventurous like some are, sometimes i wish i am, but as much as im scared to death at what life might bring, i know that im more than ready to face them.i have a huge survival kit that would get me through each time.

 

ive searched high and low for love, getting trampled most of the time, and at this point i am loving the love im feeling now. i dont know what the future holds, and i dont want to think about it. but to you i can honestly say that i am happier than ive ever been in a relationship, that im more secure and ive never felt more loved. i have put my faith and i have been building on it, a lot of times paranoid because i have a good history of people getting up and leaving. but like charlotte, i too am an romantic optimist, and know the love that i aspired is mine. i thank the heavens for giving me this wondeful opportunity to love.

 

today is also the day HBO aired the last 2 episodes of sex and the city, and i sadly said goodbye to the show i have grown to love over the years. when i first heard the title i was outraged because it seemed vulgar, and up to this day i wouldnt recommend it to most young people out the because you might get ideas. but remove the sex element. and look deeper. there in the lives of four women. i would miss them. its like they have already become my friends. in fact i envy the way they are so tightly knitted, despite their extremely busy lives, where they would just drop everything and come together and talk about the small stuff that sum up to really great issues in their lives. i envy how carrie is a successful writer and can write about anything she thinks of, all the time being adored for it. i am inspired by charlotte and her being a romantic optimist, who didnt give up on her quest for love. i draw courage from samantha for putting her balls out there, sometimes being stronger than most men and breezing her way through breast cancer. and i love miranda for her surrender to love and her family, for sacrificing convenience and social status for the people she loves. the show has taught me a lot, from singlehood to coupledom to fashion to just fabulous girl power. im a little of all four women, and i know each of us are.

 

after all those paragraphs, im glad im still the passionate writer that i thought was swallowed up by too manys things to do and think about. this year il try to be more proactive, more spiritual (more time with God), more responsible, and more honest with myself. i know this is going to be a great year.

posted by: cleng at January 02, 2005 00:16 | link | comments |

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